How Firm is Your Mind? (Your Inner Desires)

Posted: April 13, 2012 by Nell in Dating, Self Help/ Motivation
Tags: , , , , , , ,

People may read the title and think that I’m referring to sanity, but I’m not. I’m speaking in terms of your desire for what you want in a mate. A lot of people, male and female try to pretend they don’t want to be in a relationship, but majority do. I’ll admit, there are perks to being single but it’s not hard to become jaded with those perks after a while. It seems to me that society has a hold on what we desire in a mate. Society molds both males and females into desiring what is popular or trendy. Take me for me instance. I have always had a thing for brown to dark skin females. It’s always been a personal preference to me. I’ve dated women that have been lighter than that completion, but that’s the type of woman who sparks my inner attraction. It was always natural, maybe it has something to do with my mother being that completion or maybe not.  I’m not going to make this a skin tone comparison blog, because that’s not what it’s about. Its deeper than that and I’ll explain.

How Firm is Your Mind?

Everyone has a natural preference that they look for in the opposite sex. It’s the type of attraction that sets a mental alarm off inside of you. Sometimes people choose to not react to that alarm because they’re driven on society’s preference. I have had many associates that have backed off of dating someone because of what society would think of them being with that person. I remember when I was in college I had a co-worker that was attracted to nerdy women. They were his natural preference and sparked his inner attraction. However he never pursued nerdy women because he believed they were not fly (sexy, cool) enough in most people’s opinion. He constantly passed up on approaching the nerdy women that he found attractive, and instead pursued women that were more placed on a pedestal by society. He had the worst relationships with those women because they were not naturally compatible. Everything was forced from their interest down to their preference. He finally decided to approach a nerdy girl and they were so compatible that he eventually married her. I’m not stating that the previously mentioned situation will be the final result for everyone else that pursues the mate that they naturally prefer, but I don’t think it would hurt either.

People have been dating with trends for a while. If I’m not mistaken, it may go back since the beginning of time. A lot of people date the type of person that’s trendy to date at a specific time and then once it all goes bad they have no one to blame but themselves. I remember in the early 90’s through early 2000’s a lot of women desired to date thugs. Dating a thug was the trendy thing during those times and I’ll admit that Hip Hop and television did have a big influence on that during those times. A lot of women placed their natural desires on a back burner as well. In the 80’s and 90’s a lot of men, especially black men preferred to only date lighter women because it was trendy at that time. A lot of those men placed their natural desires on the back burner during that time. In 2012, the cool and trendy thing is status. Status is everything in 2012 and might even be a step higher than money in terms of a lot of people’s personal preference. In current society’s eyes, your status holds more weight than your ability to treat a mate well.

There are all kinds of books, songs, TV shows, and movies telling you what your mate should be. Your preference and desires are subconsciously being adjusted. If your mind is not firm enough you will date the type of person that’s being described in those books, songs, TV shows, and movies, but not necessarily the person that you have inner desire for. In current society everything is about instant gratification and selfish intentions. For the most part, people pursue the dating scene with only themselves on their minds; instead of “we” or “us.” Society wants you to put yourself first, which isn’t a bad thing. However, it teaches you to search for mates that are willing to make the world revolve around you and only you. I’ll personally admit. If I meet a woman and all she talks about is herself and what I can bring to the table for her instead of it being a mutual thing, it’s a wrap. A lot of people tend to make these familiar statements in the dating world: “I’m old school,” or “I’m traditional,” in reference to you having to over impress them to become to even be considered as their mate. I’m starting to believe they say those things because they’re popular terms. They fail to realize that dating is not just about them, it’s about two people. I don’t believe they’re aware that old school and traditional dating was more about working as a team, not one person being responsible for everything. Both the male and female played different roles and different things they brought to the table.

Society is no longer teaching people to pursue mates that they can build with and become a great team with. Instead, society has stopped promoting “us” and “we.” I asked the question that’s the title of this post because your mind will truly have to be firm and strong in order to pursue the kind of mate you desire. There are so many rules to dating now and most of them revolves around the way society believes dating should go.

So how do we change our mindsets from the way society has conditioned us to think in order to find our inner desires? My best answer would be to find yourself first. Humans tend to become so wrapped up in material possessions, status, and what’s trendy, that we sometimes forget what we truly desire and are genuinely looking for in a mate. How firm is your mind? Is it strong enough to date the mate of the opposite sex that you truly desire or are you consumed by society and only dating people who society thinks you match well with? We listen to zodiac more than we listen to ourselves.

I’m not mad or upset with society because they glamorize certain people. I have no strong issue with it honestly, because I know its business for the most part. I do it to as part of freelancing. When I mentioned books, I was referring to my book as well. However, my post is to make sure people’s minds are firm enough to pursue what the type of person they truly desire. Hopefully this blog will get some people to think about if they let society and trends control their true preference and inner desire. 


  1. Keshia says:

    Great blog definitely one to get you thinking that’s for sure. As I get older I open my eyes and look around at so many people who are unhappy with their mate because try aren’t what they desire or people such as friends & family tell them who they should date. At the end of the day you have to do what’s right for you am date who genuinely makes you happy despite what society says it’s called living for self. people should right out a list of the type of mate they desire not who others think they should be with.

  2. Miranda B says:

    Hey I like what you said in here. Its true. Also you should hav3 mentioned tattoos. Everyone is dating people with tattoos. I like this

  3. Tay210 says:

    Nice post. It is all about the mental state of self. Too many people are a mess and tend to hook up with another person just to create a double mess. Once people learn to truly “know” who they are, trends, popularity etc. won’t phase them. I enjoy reading your blogs..oan I truly like that fact that you’re attracted to brown skin ladies. 🙂

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