The Spare Rule

Posted: October 11, 2011 by Nell in Dating, Self Help/ Motivation
Tags: , , , , , ,

What’s up? This is like my 60th blog post on WordPress. That’s a lot of blogs right there, but I did start this blog back in 2008, I believe. If you revisit some of the older post from when I first started blogging, you will see that my mind and writing were in a different place. Its funny when I go back and read some of the things that I wrote. In these past three years I have learned a lot. What’s life without maturing and growth?

I decided to write a post about something that I consider to be valuable. Its something that I was taught in my late teens and I have carried it with me ever since. Back when I was in college I had a job at Krispy Kreme. I remember one day a frequent customer who was normally quiet came in and he was in the mood to talk. He was an older guy, but I took out time to listen because even at a young age, I knew older people share their wisdom. What I took from the conversation that I had with him was “The spare rule.” What is the spare rule? I’ll share it.

The Spare Rule

To be clear, the older gentleman that I was conversing with didn’t come up with the term “The spare rule,” I did. The spare rule relates to sex. The spare rule is basically not having sex with people who you can’t view as being your kid’s mother or father. When the older guy first told me about it, I thought to myself “This man doesn’t know what he’s talking about, you have to try to have as much fun as possible when you’re young and knock off as many as you can.” I was young and only 18 years old. That was my thought process at that moment, but its funny how time changes opinions. The older I got, the more his words stood out to me. In the last ten years I have met a lot of people who regret having sex with their kid’s mother or father for different reasons.

When the older guy shared the spare rule with me, he did it with the intention of letting me know that I shouldn’t have sex with just any woman, unless I wanted any woman to be the mother of my child. Today, I must admit that I truly understand his way of thinking. By writing this blog, I am not dissing anyone that has kid’s with someone who they couldn’t see themselves conceiving a child with. This blog post is not intended to talk down on anyone. Instead, I decided to share this to inform some people.

My reason for writing this post may go over some people’s head, but I’ll explain why I decided to share this with you. When it comes to sex, there are risks. Even with some form of contraception, a child can be conceived or an STD can be transmitted. However, this post for the most part is not geared towards pregnancy or STD’s surprisingly, because most people will read this and say they’ll just take birth control and wear a condom in order to spare them from sharing a child with someone who they couldn’t see as a  long-term mate or parent. This post has more to do with value, and I’ll explain.

When you think about someone who you would to conceive a child with mutually and intentionally, it’s usually someone who you wouldn’t mind marrying or at least having some sort of long-term relationship with. Most people think that way, unless the only characteristics that they look for in a mate is pretty hair, nice features, a certain skin complexion, or height so that their child can have the same. If you are one of the people who think that way, this blog post is not for you. You shouldn’t even continue to read it because you probably wouldn’t get anything positive out of it. But for the most part, people want to share a child with someone of value. The word value has a different meaning to different people. For some people, a valuable person might be someone who has a career that pays six figures or above, nice home, and nice vehicles. For others, value may have less to do with financial status and more to do with character and how good that person makes them feel. There is no right or wrong with value, because everyone has different forms of value. What may be important to the next person, may not be important to me.

Lets be honest, people have sex with others when there is no value present. This has potential to become a problem for two reasons. One is because you risk the possibility of conceiving a child with someone who you don’t value or someone who doesn’t value you. And the other reason is because you’re sending a message to yourself that you don’t mind having sex with someone who you don’t value or that doesn’t value you, as long as the sex is gratifying and you’re satisfied. In other words, you value sex more than you value yourself. This relates a little to my last post “What’s on your grocery list?”

The purpose of the spare rule is not to stop you from conceiving a child. It’s not a contraception. It does not prevent STD. The spare rule simply spares you of potential baggage. Baggage from what? Baggage of potentially conceiving a child with someone who you can’t see yourself raising a child with, and baggage of having sex with people who you don’t value or don’t value you. Some people can counter what I have stated and say that it you can still have baggage from conceiving a child with someone who you do value. For those that think like that ask yourself, would you rather conceive a child with someone who you valued or valued you at one point in your life, or conceive one with someone who you never valued at all or never valued you?

I know some men will use the “Well I’m a man that’s having fun, weighing my options” excuse while reading this. Guys are good at this, but you also hear a lot of complaints from guys when they end up conceiving a child with a woman that they don’t value or desire, or vice versa. The same thing goes for women that think the same way. The spare rule is not for one gender, it’s for both.

Am I stating that you shouldn’t have sex at all? No! Ask yourself, what type of men or women do you view as valuable? Those are your options. Am I saying that stating that you’re less of a person because you have sex with people who you don’t view as valuable? No! You may be risking a lot, but I wouldn’t consider you less of a person. Everyone has needs, but just make sure your needs don’t turn into a long-term issue. As stated the spare rule has more to do with value than pregnancy.

The last words the older guy said to me were “If you value yourself, your future, and your freedom, you will listen to me.” So I decided to share this with you. I hope someone benefits from it.



  1. Tay210 says:

    Beautiful mind! Not only do you write well but it seems that you live by those values! I have one child and I valued her dad almost said “I do” but unfortunately he didnt value himself!
    When you find “your” mate, you’ll make her proud!

  2. Anonymous says:

    So True…. so very, very true. This is an excellent perspective for sexually active people to take into consideration. Its one thing to get pregnant, its another to get get pregnant by a deadbeat or someone who you dont want to be associated with for the remainder of a lifetime.

    -Brit “Fevah”

  3. Keshia says:

    Excellent Topic of choice. Many people have no regard for the people that they sleep with and then get pissed once they conceive a child by someone they feel is not worth shit. News Flash they probably weren’t worth shit when they were sleeping around with them but they didn’t care about that. It surprises me how people can say that someone is good enough to sleep with and have a baby with but they are not good enough to marry…smh. Your blog really touched on these topics

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