The Bargaining chip in relationships

Posted: May 2, 2010 by Nell in Dating, Self Help/ Motivation
Tags: , , ,

Some people believe that my efforts of my blog and upcoming book has something to do with my pursuit of becoming a relationship guru or expert. Honestly, I’m not interested in being either and don’t want to be labeled as such in the future. When it comes to knowledge on the issues that exist with dating and relationships, it’s basically a matter of analyzing them with more logic than emotion. Since people often solve problems with more emotion than logic, a need for third-party advice becomes greater. The problem is, too many people with credits and status are trying to lend advice on topics that they know nothing about. You don’t have to go to school, be a psychologist, and you don’t have to be an author in order to gain this knowledge. You gain the knowledge strictly through experience, observing, learning, and listening. If I’m not mistaken, most people are capable of doing all four of those things. Majority of dating and relationship problems can be solved with common sense and logic. Think about it, when you experience problems in your relationships, do you handle them using more logic or emotion? The answer to that question will determine if you need a dating expert or if you just need to look in the mirror for the solutions to your problems.

So no, don’t refer to me as a relationship expert or guru once my book The L Factor is released. I experience the same issues in relationships as everyone else; no one is immune. The pressure of feeling like I have to live up to a role of perfection in my relationship just because I share knowledge on that subject has been getting to me as of late. So after a talk with a few important people in my life, I decided to let it all go. No roles, no expectations, and no pressure, just pure knowledge. Of course I’m aware that people are going to expect me to practice what I preach, that’s fair as long as I’m not labeled. The only label that I will proudly accept is author. If anything, I’m here to present you all with an idea. One of the many ideas that we can all share with each other so that we can improve our lives in and outside of the dating world. With that being said, let’s get it!

The Bargaining Chip in relationships

Bargaining Chip Leverage in the form of an inducement or a concession useful in successful negotiations.

My definition of a bargaining chip in relationships Is a negotiation that takes place between two mates. One of the mates is the person who uses something that the other mate desires in order to make them stay in or come back to the relationships. The bargaining chip provides leverage in a relationship because no matter how much harm is being caused by the chip holder, the victim still decides to stay.

I was having a conversation with someone the other day. She was telling me about a situation that a friend of hers is currently going through. Her friend gets physically abused by her boyfriend on a regular basis, but she decides to stay. One of her reasons for staying is because the guy provides her with money. In this specific situation, money is the bargaining chip. The guy uses money to get her back after she leaves every single time. I decided to blog about situations like this because they happen often. Situations where money is used as the bargaining chip, as well as sex, comfort, material items, or other things that satisfy emotional, physical, or financial needs.

Have you ever been involved in a situation that you knew wasn’t healthy for you either physically, mentally, or emotionally? But the reason why you decided to stay in that situation is because the person(s) that you were dealing with had leverage on you. The leverage that they used was a result of the bargaining chip that made you stay or come back no matter how bad the situation was. I think a large amount of people who are reading this can agree that they have. It’s not hard to get into a relationship and become a victim of someone using a bargaining chip in order to keep you around. The effect of a bargaining chip is so potent that your mind can be set on leaving the situation for good, but since it creates a feeling of void, you decide to go back for more. I often hear people state things like “He/she cheats on me but the sex is good” or “He/She does not care about me, but I don’t want to be lonely.” Bargaining chips can make you believe that your mate is the only individual in the world who can provide you with the satisfaction that you desire. Once your mind believes this, you become trapped and open to things that can be harmful to you physically, emotionally or mentally. Although you are aware of the potential harm, you stay because of the power of the bargaining chip.

I don’t believe that this blog should be about how to escape a mate who uses a bargaining chip. The real solutions to the subject in this blog lie with prevention. How can you prevent someone from using a bargaining chip against you? The best way to prevent it is to kill dependency. Example: If you have a desire to get in a relationship, but you’re aware that you have issues with being financially dependent upon others; One way to prevent a future mate from using money and material items as a bargaining chip is to become financially independent before you pursuit a relationship. The same thing applies to sex issues, issues with loneliness, and emotional needs. All of these voids and issues should be filled prior to your pursuit of a relationship.

Please be aware that any of your dependencies for things that you desire can be used against you if your partner can provide them. As stated, the only way to avoid falling victim to the bargaining chip is prevention. Kill dependency!

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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  1. Jennifer says:

    Thumbs up!!! I really enjoyed the blog!!! Great insight!

  2. Keshia Johnson says:

    True post indeed….many ppl. find themselves being dependent on their partner and in return the partner often feels like their mate OWES them something or that they can control the one who is dependent. Killing dependecies is very important that is one less relationship hurdle you will have to deal with.

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