The Selfish Dating Partner

Posted: April 7, 2010 by Nell in Dating, Self Help/ Motivation
Tags: , , , ,

I was asked why are most of my newer blog post directed towards relationships and dating. My answer is I’m writing off of demand. If someone request me to write about topics I don’t ignore them. I receive request in my inbox and a lot of the topics requested have been about relationships and dating. I remember a few weeks ago I was questioning if my writing on my blog was in vain. I love to write and I do it because I love it. However, I also write because I believe that the pieces that I’m writing will change someones out look on life and relationships. I am blogging from a male’s perspective so people appreciate it. Every time I think that not enough people are paying attention, more people appear to make it obvious that they are. I share my knowledge and experiences with you all because it serves me no justice by holding it in and now the buzz is start to catch like fire as a result of that.

The Selfish Dating Partner

I believe that I am one of the few people who will admit to being the reason why majority of my relationships with women didn’t work out. I was as selfish as they come accompanied with a great sense of entitlement. I can only recall one relationship that I had where I wasn’t selfish. I was the giver, and that relationship was the worst relationship that I’ve been in till this date. One of the reason why it was the worst is because I made up in my mind that I wouldn’t let it happen again.

Fortunately, that relationship took place in my teens. However, the damage that existed lasted far beyond my teens. I turned into a very selfish mate to all of my girlfriends that came after her. I would be telling a lie if I stated that the relationship from my teen years didn’t have an effect on how I treated the women that came after. I lost the idea of believing that I should meet my women halfway and I insisted that they should be the only one to bringing things to the table. I developed a fear of investing in a relationship as a result of what happened when I was a giver. I didn’t let them know that while it was happening, but it was my mind state at that time. I was giving them a specimen of me and they were giving me their all. The ego inside of me had a blast with it. I actually thought that I was winning during those times. Soon after I learned that the idea of being selfish kills good relationships with good women. I matured and took note of a couple new words from all of those relationships that came after the one where I was the giver. Reciprocate which basically means do something in return. I also took note of the word initiate, which means to lead. Initiating and reciprocating should be present in every relationship and be displayed by both mates. If it’s not, good luck!

There are people who are unaware of the damage that being a selfish dating partner does. The Selfish dating partner is an oxymoron and if you don’t think so, you’re probably single right now or soon will be. I listen to people’s relationship issues often. Some of those people I assist, and some I’m unable to assist because they’re selfish when in reference to their relationships. People complain stating that their partner doesn’t do this, say this, or show this. It’s always finger-pointing that exist. But when I ask them what are they doing, they state “I’m doing my job, they’re just not doing theirs.” Their partners are more than likely stating the same thing because there’s obviously a disconnect.

My personal opinion is if you’re a selfish individual, you should avoid dating and relationships. You may get what you want in a relationship while being a selfish dating partner but it eventually comes to an end. There will always be some type of paranoia involved as well. That paranoia is that your partner is bringing a significant amount of things to the table that you’re not. It’s amazing how the human mind works when it’s in defense mode. Being a selfish dating partner will automatically place you in defense mode subconsciously, even if you don’t have the biggest wall or shield up. It will eventually lead to accusations, arguments, disrespect, and cheating on your behalf.

This is the reason why I constantly state that people should have themselves together by knowing what they desire and what they are willing to offer before they decide to pursue dating or a relationship. So many people pursue relationships without knowing what they have to offer that specific individual. Sure they know what they have to offer people in general, but that individual may not have the same likes and desires as others. I have met plenty of women who automatically assumed what I desired based off of what other men desire. If I really like a woman while getting to know her, I ask her what does she have to offer “me” and most of them state “a lot” without explaining or make a sassy statement such as “Me.” Some even re-direct the question to me by asking me the same is if my answer will alter theirs. While my questions are selfish I ask because I am willing to reciprocate. I have it already made up in my mind before I ask. There vague answers are an instant turnoff and quickest way to end my pursuit. It’s one of the biggest signs that someone does not know what they’re willing to offer. I’m pretty sure women can say that same about men.

I’m sure many of you are wondering what I am referring to when I state selfish. I am not stating that you should not place yourself first before other individuals. Everyone deserves to put their selves first in order to continue to improve who they are as an individual. However, if you’re expecting someone to bring more than who they are as an individual to the table, you should be more than willing to offer the same in return.

The issues of selfish dating exist because people want to play both sides of the fence. They want to be selfish and date. As stated, selfish and dating don’t coincide. You will eventually lose your mate or potential mate based off of your selfish ways. The best solution is to improve upon whatever forces you to be selfish and then date after it’s done. If you try both, you will be setting yourself up for failure. There are people right now who are single and miserable because they failed to take note of this. So many people are interested in dating, but they only know what they want from individuals. They are unsure about if they’re willing to give the same in return besides the obvious, sex, conversation, or money. Sometimes we want things that we are not ready for and dating is one of them. You might ask, how do you know when you’re ready? By knowing what you desire and knowing that you’re willing to offer the same in return.

Everybody boast “I’m a King” or “I’m a Queen” but what good is that status if you treat your mate like a servant?

Darnell R. Mckinnon

I created a NEW Facebook fan page recently. Be sure to become a fan to get updates about my book release and NEW blog post!



  1. Ashlee says:

    Now I get the opportunity to be the first to leave a comment. Hey this is gr8. It explains me because I have no time for dating. No mate, no lover, or no partner. Do you know what that means?

  2. Erica says:

    Another great post D. It goes in the aspect of the difference some ppl are looking for in relationships. If ppl just “kickin it” then they don’t mind being selfish because of course they going for self. But those who are looking for something real come into the relationship 100% giving their all. So those folks are ones who come selfless…other just wanna kick it. Ya hear? Keep it up… Can’t wait til the book hun!

  3. Sarmanda says:

    My bff recently fwd a link of ur blog to me. I like the way u think and write. I want more. The one part that stood out to me was ur paragraph admitting that u wronged ur exes. That was very manly of u. I def will be buying ur book. Keep up the great work.

  4. Keshia says:

    hmmm interesting…very excellent blog! I think many of us fall gulity of the shelfish bug from time to time. It is impossible to be in a thriving healthy relationship with a shelfish mentality and it doesn’t make it any better if both partners are shelfish. I think that each person should take into consideration their siginificant others feelings and view points. I also feel that an open line of communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Good Job!!!!

  5. Anonymous says:

    I think my man cheating on me but how can i find out.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I love yo book.

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