My blog doesn’t usually center around race. However, as of late I’ve been receiving emails and inbox messages of people pleading with me to discuss this topic. Do I believe it’s a disconnect between Black men and women? Yes, speaking in general I do. However, there is a solution to the problem that no one wants to discuss. Instead people are arguing, bickering, being disrespectful and stubborn. All of those things lead to a seemingly war between Black men and Black women. Don’t pay attention to the media, there is not a war between black men and black women. They want you to believe it’s a war because it supports their agenda. They know that if you believe that it’s a war going on you will strap up with a shield and be prepared to fight and defend in which people are doing. The fighting and defending is causing is a disconnect. It’s not a black men vs black women war; it’s the disconnect that makes it seem that way.

I’ve been involved in numerous discussions with black women about this topic. Some of the discussions ended with no solution at the conclusion of them and some did. I’ve noticed that it is easier to find and provide a solution when there is no steam present. What Steam am I referring to? Frustration, anger, resentment, disdain and any other kind of negative energy. In this blog post I am going to list common complaints from both black men and black women about this issue. At the end of both list of complaints I will provide a solution. This topic is the discussion of many magazine articles, books, internet chat rooms, message boards, Facebook, and anywhere else. One thing that I’ve noticed is that these discussion usually end in arguments and blatant disrespect. It’s the energy of the problem that’s making it worse more than anything else. People are letting the energy of others affect their initial beliefs. First I will discuss the common complaints that I hear from Black men.

Common complaints of Black men regarding black women

I’ve been hearing complaints coming from Black men often as of late. I would be a hypocrite if I state that I didn’t share some of the same frustrations and complaints. However, I have grown a great deal thanks to certain females, one in particular who has enlightened me to understanding and expressing frustrations without disrespect being present. I will let you know right now ladies, there are many Black men who are frustrated with black women. Most of them are still open to dating black women, but some of them are not. They feel like they have been abandoned and rejected. I recall listening to a conversation in a book store about 2 weeks ago with this group of guys who are in the entertainment industry (I will conceal their identities.) The topic that was being discussed was black women who oppose bringing certain things to the table that women from other races bring. The one guy who was doing most of the talking stated that women of other races are more submissive than black women. He stated that he traveled to other countries and love how the women treat the men. He then moved the topic to black women having attitudes. He stated that he feels like it’s a power struggle and lack of respect that black women have recently begun to display against black men. This is a common discussion amongst some black men. The discussion previously listed is just one of the many conversations amongst black men that I have been present for. I will list some of the most common complaints about Black women that they often discuss. While some of these complaints may make you wince, remember this is about understanding.

Here is the list

Black women have attitude issues- They refuse to keep their selves physically- They’re loud- They lack class- They’re a power struggle-They’re Gold diggers-They’re disloyal-They’re not submissive- They’re mouthy- They’re not understanding-They’re manipulative- They’re lazy- They don’t stick up for black men- They’re users-They’re possessive-They have too many kids-They’re too independent-They want to be the man-They’re triflin.

There are more complaints but those are the most common complaints that I have heard from black men.

Complaints Black women have regarding Black men

I have a list of complaints that I have heard from Black women referring to Black men for the past couple of years. Not only are these complaints coming from women who I had discussions with; they’re also from discussions that I wasn’t involved in. Some of these discussions were shared with me from women who I know that had discussions with other women.

I remember I went to a book club meeting. It was only like 3 guys present, two other guys and me. There were about 10 women present who were between ages 21 and 43. The topic of discussion was Steve Harvey’s ‘Act like a woman, think like a man’ book. The debate was heated. I sat back at listened and observed because I’m not going to try to argue my points across to people who are not being respectful of opinions. The ladies didn’t take their frustrations out on any of the guys who were present at the meeting. However, they did take their frustrations out on Black men in general. One thing that I noticed about Black women is for the most part they’re interest is Black men when it comes to dating. They love Black men and I think that’s where a great deal of their frustrations stem from. One of the biggest complaints that I hear from black women is black men dating outside of their race; particularly successful black men. I know some black women who can care less who a black man dates, but I know some that are bothered by them dating outside of our race.

List of complaints

Black men get successful then abandon black women-They’re sorry-They’re no longer men- They’re weak-They need to grow up and take care of their responsibilities- They’re unfocused- All of the black men are either gay, in jail, or downlow-They need to be better fathers to their kids-They don’t stick up for Black women-They’re always dating outside of their race- They’re always complaining about “the man”- They use too many excuses- They’re triflin- They’re disloyal- They’re not faithful- They’re lazy- They’re immature.

The complaints that are listed for both genders are not complaints that ALL black men and women share. There are black men and women who are not frustrated with the opposite sex of their race. However, the number of black men and women who are frustrated is growing everyday. Let’s break the issue down in cause and solution.

The Cause

The key word is: Double standard. There’s a double standard that exist in the dating world. Men want women to bring things to the table that they’re not willing to bring and women want men to bring things to the table that they’re not willing to bring. This always leads to a disconnect, along with a few other things that I’m going to list.

I’m not going to reference The Willie Lynch letter or the Isis papers at all in this post. However, the cause of black men and women’s issues is that we are not taking the opportunity to understand and respect each other’s needs and desires. I read a book titled “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie. This book is one of the best books that I’ve read on self-help. I believe everyone should read that book; it’s a good book. In this book Dale states that you can’t make someone do anything, they have to want to do it. I believe that the frustration stems from black men and women attempting to make each other bring what they desire to the table and when it fails, disrespect comes into play which in return leads to resentment. You can’t make people become who you want them to be. There are a lot of black men and women who do not see eye to eye because it’s not a mutual effort. The lack of communication between each gender is what’s causing the disconnect. When I state disconnect, I am referring to messages not getting through to each other similar to phones. I always refer to Black people as reactive instead of pro active. People often get mad at me for stating it, but I believe it has some truth to it. They always state “Nell it’s not just black people.” I am aware of that, but it has been a problem existing in our race for years. We will complain and argue about the end result of an existing problem for years, but rarely are we proactive in finding a solution for preventing the problem.

Both black males and females are hurt. Hurt, a lack of understanding, and a lack of communication is also what the disconnect stems from. All three of them are often present in these conversations about black men and women referring to each other. We don’t take out time to understand each other. That’s one thing that I’m currently doing and that’s why I always ask for women’s feedback. I suggest women do the same. Hurt and a lack of communication leads to disrespect. Once disrespect is present it will be very hard to find a solution. Think about all of the arguments that have taken place about this topic without a solution being the end result. There is also a lot of misogynistic and feminist energy going around between both parties regarding this topic. That energy transfers and spreads like a Wild fire. You can read all of the books on men and women that you want, but if communication and understanding are not present, the information in those books is obsolete.

Two things can happen, either people can continue to complain, be disrespectful, and argue, or they can take action. Action leads to a solution which is…

Drop the double standard. If you want a partner that brings a lot to the table, please be willing to bring the same thing. This goes for men and women.

Communication, understanding, and respect are also vital. If all these are present the disconnect between black men and women will decrease. Some black men and women can’t have a discussion with each other without an argument occurring. Everyone has an opinion but it’s how you state your opinion that counts. Black men are frustrated because they want to understand black women and want them to better their selves. Black women are frustrated because they want to understand black men and want to see them better their selves. However, everyone is scared to admit it because of pride and ego. Instead you hear “B##@## aint s##%, I don’t want em” or “N#@$@$ aint s##%, I’ll be single and Independent.” Until the ego and pride is dropped, look for the disconnect to linger.

Another solution is finding out what you desire in a mate. This goes along with dropping the double standard. One thing that I am aware of is all of the Black men are not trying to date all of the black women and vice versa. So if they’re not interested in dating all of the people in their race, why the frustration and complaints? Because they’re still searching for someone who they desire and they feel that they’re options of finding that person is getting smaller by the day. I noticed when you have someone who you desire present; your concern about who others are involved with or what they’re doing tends to often become non-existent.

Black men and women can argue and debate with one another forever, but if the solutions listed are not present the disconnect will continue to exist. One thing I realize is I can’t help everyone, but I wrote this for those who want understanding.

As stated, my blog is not a race blog. I have people of all races who follow and read my blog. I don’t have an issue with interracial dating and never have. I believe people should date whomever makes them happy. However there are some people reading this that don’t share the same opinion as me. This blog post will be the last of its kind unless someone ask me to do another one that’s similar. I decided to write this because people have been asking me to do it. I often see the arguments and complaints everywhere without a solution anywhere in sight. The solution is provided!

Darnell R. Mckinnon

I created a NEW Facebook fan page yesterday. Be sure to become a fan to get updates about my book release and NEW blog post!



  1. Keshia says:

    I think that this was a beyond exceptional blog. Very Informative. I totally agree I strongly believe there ia a disconnect among black women & men. I honestly feel that if we all take the time out to understand our mate more & what he/she desires it will reduce the amount of frustrations. I also feel that we both me & women need 2 start being more honest with 1 another & start supporting each other. I personally feel that each gender needs 2 needs 2 start stepping into their proper roles n the family as well as the community. Women let the men b men & learn 2 b the woman, wife & mother. Its time out for the lack of communication & disfunctional family structures.

  2. Arie says:

    Hey where is the share link?. You need a share link. I wanna email share this with some people. Great points

  3. What’s up Arie. I don’t believe wordpress has share link. You can share the blog by copying the url above in the address bar. Thanks

  4. Jasmin says:

    Hey you wrote this because of that Jill Scott article didn’t you. I’m tired of my friends complaining about it. Its enuff men out here for all of us. I have a ? That I’m gonna to email you.

  5. Melanie Brown says:

    Absolutely loved dis article… needed dat…

  6. JL says:

    As Much as I hate to agree with some of the points, you made very valued points that I can agree with!! So Keep up the good work!!

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