Stop Pursuing Change In Others!

Posted: February 18, 2009 by dominojump in Dating, Personal, Self Help/ Motivation


This post right here is for everyone. I know for a fact this post will help everyone who have not been informed about this. This post is about change, and people’s pursuit of changing other people. One thing is that you cannot change other people. You can encourage change, you can advise change, and you can recommend change, but it is solely up to the person to change. Most people who try to change other’s in order to improve that individual or get the individual to adjust to their personality or lifestyle (According to their opinion.)

Lately I have been on a “mental” maturity journey. One thing that I have come to realize is that you cannot change people. As I look at past relationships, I would often try to change certain things about the females who I was dating or involved at the time, rather it be their attitude, looks, environment, mentality, etc… 9/10 those pursuits of changing those females failed. The reason why is simply because people are creatures of habit, and that alone means that it is strictly up to the individual to change. I was always the “Hard head” that believed that I had the knowledge that will lead someone to change. I also believed that I was “special” enough to have someone change for me. I learned my lesson as well as wasted valuable time and energy that could have been invested in myself. Although personal change may sound selfish, it can often lead the individual to new heights in life. I was given a quote by someone and I live by it to this day. The quote states: “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.”

That quote sticks with me because I finally realized what I was doing wrong. The quote basically means that when someone shows their “true” colors, take it for what it is. Don’t make excuses as to why their not changing, and don’t try to change them. Instead of me pursuing the individual that was already what I desired, I tried to change someone as if they were a project. Many of us have made that mistake all throughout our lives, and unfortunately a lot of people continue to make the same mistake. A lot of males believe that they can change a female. They believe that if they give her a little knowledge, upgrade her look, and teach her some new things, they can make her what they desire. What they fail to realize is that their basically painting fresh paint over a wall with holes in it. A lot of females believe that they can change a male. I hear females often state that they like bad boys because it’s a challenge to change his ways, news flash ladies: It won’t happen and if it does it’s not because of you, even if he gives you credit. Guys have to change theirselves, females can only encourage our change and vice versa. In the end, both sides get frustrated because they failed to change the individual. You can’t change someone, but you can help them and steer them in the right direction. The bad thing is that people take the word “HELP” too seriously when it comes to helping someone change, and they often get their feelings hurt. Another bad thing about trying to change someone is that there is no guarantee that you relationship with that individual will continue or work. One thing that floats my boat is helping people, but it is very hard to help others, when the results of you trying to help that individual eventually harms you. Be smart, be wise, be you. This post not only refers to dating, but friendships as well.

My only question is, are you willing to invest time into upgrading someone else, while sacrificing upgrading yourself? If not, stop pursuing change in others!

Darnell R. Mckinnon


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