were-all-puzzles

I’m a firm believer in kids under the age of 5  being the most pure and genuine people on earth. Kids in that age range tend to live free. They say what’s on their mind without thinking twice about the things they say, until they’re corrected. They tend to love everyone, until they’re told not to. They generally don’t fear ordinary human beings, unless they’re harmed by one or taught to. They see no major difference in other human beings, and usually accept their peers for however they’re presented. Kids have a great way of being loyal and lovable. I’m not sure if their love is unconditional, but its close to it, if not.

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subconscious-bad-habits-forming-from-perception

 

This past week, I was in a rush, walking and heading towards my destination. I wasn’t really paying attention to anything going on in the environment around me. My focus was getting to my destination on time. There was a younger guy standing in the direction I was walking towards, I’m assuming he may have been homeless. As I walked by the guy, he said, “Sir, can you please buy me something to eat?” My response was, “I’m good, man.” Read the rest of this entry »

who-do-you-live-for

 

Reading the title, people might assume I’m referring to personal responsibilities or religion. Usually when someone ask the above question, they are referring to either of the responsibilities. I have a different direction I’m heading in when asking the question. I’m referring more to personal satisfaction and gratification. Below I’ll explain why I’m asking the question.

 

Who do you live for?

I’ve been doing a lot of mental and emotional maturing throughout the past year. I’ve learned so far in life, you never stop learning until you stop breathing or your mind no longer works. Everyday there’s something new to learn. However, growth is not dependent on age or experience. Growth is more dependent on what you do with your experiences. If you learn from your experiences and then make adjustments and improvements, that sparks growth. If you’re not proactive with learning from your experiences, you won’t grow. Some people are elderly adults in their 50s and 60s, but mentally and emotionally they’re still in the same mental space they were in during their 20s and 30s. That may seem far-fetched to some reading this, but I’ve personally met some people who are in their 50s and 60s and they have yet to grow emotionally from where they were in their 20s and 30s.

I learned a gem this past year. True peace of mind and mental freedom is found in living for yourself. It sounds quite selfish doesn’t it? Well, actually it’s not. I’m not saying, go out and only take your own feelings into consideration. I’m also not telling you not to assist or serve family, friends, or people in society who may be in need. What I’m advising you to do is simply put your feelings first regarding your life.  There are many people who conceal the person they truly are because they live for the opinion of those in society and the role society has placed on them. Some of the most mentally and emotionally free people are often categorized as “weird” by some people in society, because being mentally and emotionally free isn’t the norm. For instance, the woman who posts her love for her significant other on social media is often viewed as love struck or gullible by her peers. A guy who does the same is often viewed as a simp. Some people may believe the couple is putting on an act for social media. People don’t take into consideration the motives of that man or woman’s posts.  The two lovers may genuinely head over heels over their significant other because they possibly never had a significant other of that caliber. Or, they could be just very appreciative of their significant other and don’t want to conceal it. What better way of showing gratitude than letting other people know? People show off their brand new car when they’re excited about it. They show off their new house, announce their new job, show off their food, or show off photos from vacation trips, yet the moment they show off their significant other the same way they’re negatively labeled by some in society. Which is why people should live and express themselves for their own gratification and not society’s, because society probably will have something negative to say regardless.

You can also point to the free-spirited individuals who are always positive minded and displays a happy demeanor majority of the time. Those individuals are sometimes labeled as phony or disingenuous by society. It seems like whenever someone is being free and truly enjoying their lives, the good fortunes, and the blessings that come along with it, society gets in the way and says “Wait, you can’t do that. You need to follow the script and live life the way we live it or the way we think you should live.”

I have a genuine love for people who are confident enough to live their life the way they want. I’m not speaking on people who break the law, or harm others. I’m referring to people who harmlessly live and do things they truly desire no matter what society says. I asked the question above, which is titled on this post, because I believe life gets better when the answer to that question is “Me.” The question isn’t, “Who do you live to support and take care of?” Or, “What God do you serve?” It’s simply a question referring to if you’re living free or living confined by society, their ideology, and the roles they want to place on you. There’s freedom in living for yourself.

Whenever you feel pressured to do something that isn’t a necessity for your livelihood, ask yourself “Who do I live for?”

 

Nell

www.hellonell.com

Always have something to look forward to

 

This post is for anyone in a rough patch, feeling down about life, or just need some encouragement. I really don’t have anything extra to say.

 

Always have something to look forward to

Everyone experiences rough patches or times where they’re feeling down and discouraged. If you’re a young adult or older adult, I’m sure you’ve experienced these feelings multiple times throughout your life. Whether it was the pressure of school, work, family, peers, or anything else that would cause you to feel down about life or get down on yourself, everyone has experienced some type of discouragement or down times.

While it may not solve all of your issues, having something to look forward to can boost your mood and spark the process of getting out of your rough patch. If school; is the cause of your discouragement, look forward to the rewards and extra livelihood benefits that are going to come along with having your degree or certificate. If it’s your love life, think of how good things will be once you meet someone you truly desire and connect with on all levels. Those thoughts of having something to look forward to can be the spark you need. If your finances are what’s causing you to feel down, put a financial plan in place and practice patience. While practicing patience, think of how great things are going to be once you get on track financially.

I’m still learning in life. There’s a lot I don’t know. I learn something new every day. What I do know is having something to look forward to has helped me get out of some discouraging times and rough patches. Find what you’re passionate about. It can be something as small as a TV show that comes on at the end of the week. If you’re having a tough week, think about how much you’re going to enjoy that TV show or think of all of the fun activities you can participate in at the end of the week.

I’m no shrink. I don’t have all the answers or claim to like a lot of people over the internet. I’m speaking strictly based on experience, as always. Having something to look forward to makes your down times short-lived. Find out what you value or what you’re passionate about, and use that as the tool to find whatever it is you look forward to. Whether it’s seeing your child grow up or seeing your garden of vegetables grow, always have something to look forward to. That’s some of the best advice I can lend you.

 

Nell

www.hellonell.com

Your greatest advice is your own

 

When I first began posting on this blog years ago I used it as an outlet to promote my two books. I’m seven years older and wiser now, so of course, my motive is different. Now, I simply don’t have the same motive I had when I first began writing blog posts. I’m in a completely different place in life and as of late I’ve experienced a lot of growth. If you look back on my blog post from 2009, 2010, or 2011, I’m sure some of the ideology I shared back then would differ from today. I come back and write a blog post whenever I get a hunch, not because I feel compelled to. Recently I looked back at some of the greatest advice I received over the years in regards to life, love, relationships, and anything else concerning my personal well-being, and some of the greatest I received was from none other than myself. Of course, I’ve received great career, lifestyle, business, and financial advice from people other than myself, but the greatest advice for me was my own advice.

 

Your greatest advice in your own

There are times in your life where your own logic seems stuck. You feel like you need outside opinions to make a decision concerning your own well-being. You then seek outside advice to assist you with making a decision. Whether it was advice it’s regarding your love life, your career, your finances, or anything else concerning your own well-being. This happens a lot throughout life, especially in early adulthood.

I’m sure you have received some great advice from outside sources whether it’s your family, friends, or peers. However, no one on earth knows your heart and your mind like you know your heart and mind. You’re the only person on this earth who can know how you feel and think inside without showing outer emotions or verbally speaking on those emotions. Yes, there are some people in the world with a strong intuition or firm sense of discernment, but even they would have to see some sort of outward sign or symbol from you in order to make their judgement regarding you, meanwhile you don’t.

Since you’re the only person on earth who knows you inside and out, you have the internal mental power to rationalize with yourself enough to make the best decisions for your life. Of course, if you’re not in your right mind or in good physical or mental health, you’ll need someone to assist you with making a decision. Other than that, your greatest advice usually dwells internally. Now, I’m not referring to advice regarding something you’re new at such as a new job position or tasks, being new to an area you just moved in, or new to a school. I’m referring to advice regarding your personal well-being, life decisions.

When receiving outside advice, the people who lend you their advice have two sources; your situation you need advice on, and their own personal experiences. When receiving advice from yourself, there are two sources, your personal experiences and your situation. Both of your sources involve you. I’m a firm believer that we go through things in order to build and improve our wisdom. Of course, negative experiences sometimes cause insecurities that may seem like setbacks, but sometimes advice from outside sources causes insecurities as well. This happens often when receiving outside advice, especially in reference to dating. Often times I hear outside sources uttering advice similar to, “I wouldn’t trust him/her because that happened to me before and I ended up getting my heart-broken.” Or I often hear more blunt opinions like, “He/she is probably cheating because that’s how so and so behaved when they were.” Those two examples of advice are both outside advice and negative advice, and they’re not necessarily definite potential outcomes. Those are just two examples of how outside advice can sometimes be bad or potentially harming advice.

I’m a firm believer that maturity is based on the adjustments you make from conflicts or experiences. I don’t believe maturity has a strong correlation to age. Of course, with age you have more experiences, but it doesn’t mean you made the proper adjustments to solving the conflicts or issues that come along with those experiences. Some people experience the same issues over and over in life without resolving them. That is not maturity. You can be 50 or 60 years old and still be in the same mental place as you were in your twenties. You can be 70 and still financially immature in regards to the way you view finances and money. The more you mature, the greater your own advice for yourself will be.

The greatest advice I received in life regarding my own well-being was my own advice. I’ve received some great outside advice throughout my life. As an adult, I have also received some horrible outside advice in my life regarding finances, relationships, location, education, career, and knowledge. Once I made adjustments and began taking my own advice regarding those things, my life took a turn for a better in those areas. I look back on a lot of outside advice I received so far in my life, and I realize a good 80% of the advice I received from outside sources wasn’t even being followed in their own life. Follow your own advice regarding your well-being. You may be thinking, “But what if my own advice ends up being bad advice?” Then you can make adjustments and watch your ability to rationalize improve.

 

Nell

www.HelloNell.com 

 

Dos Equis

 

Everyone has their own opinion regarding things in their life. Whether they decide to express it or not depends on them. One thing I’ve been noticing via social media and on a platform level, in general, is people tell half-truths. They give you one side of the truth and it’s usually the side of the truth that’s the most comforting. It’s the side you want to hear. The “Nothing is wrong with what you’re doing, just stay positive and everything will be okay” side of the truth. It’s the positive side of the truth as oppose to the negative side. People, whether relationship coaches, authors, or bloggers with platforms say what their audience wants to hear in order to avoid losing their audience. The problem with that is it puts the need for self-accountability on the back burner. I decided to do a post strictly on the other side of overdoing it in the dating field, from a man’s perspective.

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A Love Jones

 

For the past five years or so, I’ve been on a journey. Actually, I’ve been on a journey all my life, but the past 5 years it intensified. I’ve learned a lot, but throughout the process of learning also came a lot of growing pains. One thing that has consistently stood out in my mind is the number of people, women specifically, I have given myself to over the last 5 years or so. What do I mean by given myself to? I’m not referring to sex. I’m referring to confiding in and emotionally and sometimes mentally investing in. I decided to share some thoughts on giving yourself to numerous people while being single and why I believe there are more drawbacks than benefits.

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Situationships

 

I come back and blog every now and then. I only blog when I feel like I have to put some thoughts out in the universe, and hopefully, it benefits someone as a result. I decided to blog this time about situationships. It seems to be the popular activity these days in reference to dating. I’m sure you’ve read about this topic or even discussed it before, but I decided to give my perspective on it.

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forgiveness

 

I haven’t blogged in at least a year. I’m currently in the middle of finishing up a book I’m going to be releasing soon, but I decided to write a post and share something I’ve learned both over time, and recently. I often hear and see things about people forgiving those who hurt and offended them in the past or present, but I rarely see or hear anything regarding self forgiveness, except maybe in religious dialogue. I thought I would share my opinion with you on the subject matter.

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istock_loveyourself

How often do your base your own value on what other people think of you? Human beings tend to compare their personal value and worth, to the worth and value of others. With the birth of Instagram and other social media websites, people are comparing their personal lives to the lives of others, more than ever.

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Dating counsel

 

 

I’ve been meaning to write on this subject for years. Back in 2011, I wrote something similar in reference to the possibilities of your friends ruining your relationship. This time around I decided to speak on it again. I think it’s very imperative for people to seek sound advice from the right dating counsel. Choosing the wrong dating counsel for advice could be detrimental to your love life.

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o-COUPLE-ARGUING-facebook

 

I haven’t blogged in forever. I’ve been busy working on a few new projects and I also have a new book in the works. I decided to do a blog post since I haven’t written one in a while. I’ve been doing some thinking over the past couple of weeks and I noticed most of the complaints which come from people in reference to their ex significant others, are the same things they once embraced or accepted. Below, I give my opinion on what I discovered recently.

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Accountability

 

In this particular blog post I am going to do the opposite of what everyone else tends to do. I’m not going to cater to or stroke my reader’s ego. I haven’t blogged much often. I should have, but I haven’t and I apologize to those that come by and read my blog regularly. I was thinking this morning about social networks and how Memes (photos with words written on them) have become the new sensation on social networks, specifically Instagram. It’s kind of neat, until you see some of the things you blogged about in the past being posted on a Meme word for word, but yet you’re not credited for it. That’s another subject. But I came across a Meme that stated “everyone that did man wrong in my past was proof that I’m too good for them.” When I first read the Meme I paid no mind to it because I see Meme’s on Instagram that are like this often. But then I thought about a conversation that I was having with a friend of mine earlier this week regarding people not taking accountability for things that have taken place in the past as well as things that take place in their lives currently. I have yet to see one Meme on Instagram or any other social network regarding self accountability. I decided to blog about it since people are obviously afraid to speak about it. Let’s get into it!

 

Self Accountability: The Elephant in the Room

I personally believe that accountability is life’s greatest teacher. It’s often seldom ignored. People don’t like to take accountability for actions or things that happened to them because there is rarely a society-given award for being self accountable. But everyone comes to the rescue of a victim. I’ll use myself as the first example. When I was in my late teens I was new to college. I would get mad because I felt I wasn’t mentally prepared for college based on my previous education in high school. I didn’t feel like my teachers invested enough into the students. Whether they did or not, I refused to take ownership for my lack of mental preparedness. I didn’t realize what I needed to realize at that moment until years down the line. What I needed to realize at that moment is that I was responsible for my mental preparedness and no one else was. I was in my late teens so I had the option to go to libraries and bookstores. It wasn’t as if I was confined to my home or lacked internet service at home. There was tons of information out there to help enhance my knowledge and help me become mentally prepared for college, but I made excuses and pointing fingers at my high school educators. This is an example of not taking accountability for past events that subconsciously I had control over. The above mentioned victim mindset will cause many life road blocks for anyone, including myself.

Back to the quote from the Meme, which I mentioned earlier in this post. When we are in a relationship with someone we deeply like or love, it’s so easy to let things slide. Once you’re in there, you’re in there. And a lot of times you don’t realize the things you’ve compromised or let slide until hindsight. Whether its abuse, cheating, lying, neglect, or anything else that can be detrimental to a relationship, sometimes we tend to let those things slide or linger while in a relationship because of other factors such as care, love, or just genuinely feeling invested to that person or relationship. Once the relationship is over, it all hits us at once and the bitterness as a result immediately makes us point fingers at them. We victimize ourselves. I’m a firm believer that accountability is the key to forgiveness. I’ll admit, there are some things in my past that were done or said to me that I still haven’t forgiven people of. That’s being genuine. I have said or done things in my past that I haven’t forgiven myself of, and that’s also being genuine. Forgiveness is a journey on a long or short road, and self accountability is the keys to the vehicle and gas that provides fuel to travel that journey. Pride and ego are the road blocks. Once pride and ego are removed we can travel that journey of forgiveness, straight non-stop until we arrive at forgiveness.

It’s so easy to point fingers. It’s easy to victimize ourselves. I believe pointing fingers is the cop-out way. Sometimes taking ownership (accountability) for things is not as bad as we initially perceive it to be. Grudges can be used for motivation, this is true. A lot of people use grudges as fuel to be successful in sports, life, and relationships. But what happens when you eventually reach the point of forgiveness or letting go for whatever that grudge may be? That fuel runs out. Which is why taking self accountability is a better option than holding a grudge. There are two aspects of your mental and thoughts, the positive and negative. You’re either going to have positive or negative thoughts. Self accountability falls under positive. You’re taking responsibility and you’re looking to move on from whatever has taken place in a positive way. You  can smile and be happy while being accountable. Grudges fall under negative because a grudge birth negative emotions such as anger, sad, hurt, and sometimes even fear. Not too many people are smiling or happy while holding a grudge, unless it’s an evil grin.

 

How do we get to the point of taking self accountability for past events?

You honestly have to drop your pride and ego. In fact, your pride and ego are the only things in your way for taking self accountability for past events. The person(s) that may offended, hurt, embarrassed, or left you doesn’t have to be responsible for what took place in order for you to take  self accountability. Yes, people may have hurt you in the past. They may have offended you or embarrassed you. They may have left you out to dry and turned their backs on you, but at some point you have to take accountability for it because you played a part in accepting them in your life or choosing them to be in your life. One thing to remember is you’re not taking accountability for the situation in order to appease them, you’re taking accountability for you and your future. The first step to forgiveness is accountability.

Throughout my blog posts I’ve always stated that I was responsible for my past relationships not working out. Now you know why; self accountability. Its unfortunate, there are a lot of Memes on social networks and a lot of blogs written, but rarely do you see one regarding self accountability. I thought to myself “how are you helping people if you’re not assisting them with all aspects of self-help.” One of the most important aspects of self-improvement is accountability. I can’t just blog about how to get over breakups, how to choose better mates, or how much value you have as a human being. I have to be honest when writing, so I believe writing about accountability will help those that will read this. I’ve played the victim role many times in life. I’ve pointed fingers throughout my life. We all have at some point. We are human. But lately I’ve come to the realization that no one is more responsible for me, my livelihood, or my happiness than me. The only person on earth that you can truly depend on to come through in the clutch for you 100% of the time is you. This applies to us all. Now, there are some situations where people are truly victims (events where any form of crime was committed). I’m not referring to those situations or people by any means. Someone somewhere will consider me to be a villain for writing this. They’ll say “some people really are victims” or “its okay to hold grudges, its part of the healing process.” Whether valid or not, that is their personal opinion. This is mine and what I believe; self accountability is the key.

 

Nell

 

Social-Networks-are-Screwing-Us-All

I’m not going to lie text messages and social networks are very convenient.  They give us the opportunity to communicate with people in other cities, states, and countries. Websites like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram have become the new forms of communication and in my opinion has overtaken verbal communication as the main form of communication. I love social networks because I promote my websites and products on them, which is why I used the word us in the title above. But it would be a lie for me to state I haven’t had plenty of conversations regarding social networks and text messaging in regards to how they are destroying the essence of being sociable.

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As human beings we tend to judge using our eyes often. When someone is in front of us we usually stereotype them in some form and come to a conclusion about them within minutes and sometimes seconds. In most cases they don’t have to utter one word out of their mouths. We depend on our vision more than our ears. I have a couple of short stories that I want to share with you. I just want you to ponder on the way we have been conditioned to judge people and how sometimes we make the worst decisions by using our vision. 

20/20 

On a crowded local train one day there was a tall brown complected black man sitting in a seat reading a copy of XXL magazine. He wore a pair of original Air Jordan 9’s. His shoes were worn out. They were visibly dirty with blue paint marks, and the soles of the shoes were coming apart. His pants were not in the same bad shape as his sneakers and neither was his shirt. The train stopped at the next station and on comes an attractive woman wearing high heels and a nice fitted dress displaying her curves. Her hair was in a long pony tail and she wore designer shades as well as a bag. The only open seat on the train was next to the guy reading the magazine. She looked down at his shoes and decided not to sit next to him. He got up and offered her his seat, but she still declined. They ended up getting off the train at the same station. The man found the woman attractive and he decided to approach her. He said “Hello, my name is Jeff, how are you today?” She gave him the cold shoulder, ignored him, and continued to walk away. The man laughed to himself as he walked away in the opposite direction.

[The Background on the two] The woman is Sonia Littles. A 26-year-old single female who recently got out a bad relationship a year ago. She works at a local bank as a teller and shares an apartment with her former college roommate. Her desires are a man who’s financially stable, physically attractive, intelligent, and successful. She also wants a man who has a good family background. She complains to her friends often about there not being any qualified single men in the dating market. She believes most guys she encounters are not good enough for her. Her expectations are set high so she can meet the man of her dreams. Most of Sonia’s friends refer to her as high maintenance  but she’s not. She just has “high expectations” according to her. Her previous relationship has forced her to have her guard up and if any man approaches her without meeting her visual expectations, she rejects them or simply ignores them.

The man is Jeff Templeton. His father is the owner of Templeton Engineering firm, one of the largest firms in the country. Jeff graduated with a MBA from Howard University. Jeff is a single 27-year-old who’s ready for a relationship. His previous relationship wasn’t a bad one like Sonia’s, but he and his girlfriend decided to split because she moved overseas and they wanted to focus on their careers instead. Jeff has been single for 2 years. He’s a family guy who comes from a great family. He is the President of Templeton Engineering.  Jeff is considered to be a very open-minded guy and is simply desires a woman whose full of life and enjoyment. Jeff has no kids, although a kid has something to do with Jeff’s Air Jordans having paint on them.

Jeff had paint on his shoes  because he just got done painting a room for his pregnant sister’s baby. He decided to ride the train that day because he wanted to get a feel of riding through the city on a nice beautiful summer day. He occasionally does this in his free team to get a feeling of nostalgia from riding the train through the city in High School. His pants and shirt had no paint on them because he wore white overalls over his clothing while painting. He was reading XXL magazine because he’s a lover of Hip Hop. His Air Jordans were old because who would want to paint in well conditioned sneakers?

Now that we know the background of these two individuals, lets dig into the reasoning behind Sonia’s reaction to Jeff.

Sonia is an occasional train rider. She parks her car at the local train station and rides the train to and from work because it spares her gas as well as time. Sonia often tells her friends about different guys who occasionally approaches her while on the train. She brags about how often she rejects these guys and tells her friends that her standards are too high to date a guy who rides the train, because it’s usually their only form of transportation. On the day Jeff approached her, she thought he was physically attractive, but the fact he was riding the train and wore horrible conditioned sneakers led her to believe that Jeff similar to the guys she often rejects on the train. The XXL magazine led her to believe that he was a guy who was interested in Hip Hop more than having a successful career. She’s not interested in those type of guys. She stereotyped Jeff, and although she thought he was physically attractive her stereotype forced her to ignore Jeff.

20/20 Hindsight

Had Sonia known who Jeff was and what he was about she would have gave him all of her time that day. He’s exactly the type of man she’s been waiting on to approach her. For 20/20 Hindsight lets say she’s aware of who Jeff is from seeing him on local commercials for his engineering firm. This is how Sonia would have reacted in hindsight:

On a crowded local train one day there was a tall brown complected black man sitting in a seat reading a copy of XXL magazine. He wore a pair of original Air Jordan 9’s. His shoes were worn out. They were visibly dirty with blue paint marks, and the soles of the shoes were coming apart. His pants were not in the same bad shape as his sneakers and neither was his shirt. The train stopped at the next station and on comes an attractive woman wearing high heels and a nice fitted dress displaying her curves. Her hair was in a long pony tail and she wore designer shades as well as a bag. The only open seat on the train was next to the guy reading the magazine. She looked down at his shoes and decided to sit next to him. She spoke to him and said hello with a smile.. He smiled back and said hello as well. They ended up getting off the train at the same station. The man found the woman attractive and he decided to approach her. He said “Hello, my name is Jeff. How are you today?” She smiled and said “Hello Jeff, my name is Sonia. Nice to meet you.”  The two began to converse and Jeff walked her to her car where they exchanged numbers.

The situation above can be a vice versa situation where the roles are reversed. The situation is not based on a true story, but I’m sure it happens often. The thing about life is our 20/20 vision can be just as good as our hindsight if we remove stereotypes. We tend to study people physically without conversing with them to see who they really are. The person who you look over, because of what your eyes see could be the man or woman of your dreams. But you wouldn’t realize that until hindsight. Sure, we should be critical of people’s physical appearance and the way they carry themselves. But we also should be open to their circumstances. Maybe they’re having a bad day. Maybe they’re coming from a paint job like Jeff. Maybe they just decided to throw on some clothes to grab a few items from the store for a meal they’re in the middle of cooking. We don’t know for sure. The only thing that can give you sure confirmation of who a person may be is verbal communication. Don’t be someone whose left saying “I wish I would have” or “If I would have.” As stated above, we don’t always get second chances on 20/20 hindsight situations. You never know who your may be and stereotyping is a sure way to miss out on them. 

Nell