With this post I’m just gonna flow. I will do a spell check, but other than that I’m just going to write. So if you spot any typos or grammar issues, I apologize. As of late, I’ve been getting some emails from females regarding black men. From suggestions of writing about why men cheat and are deadbeats, weak, down low, irresponsible, dependent, and the infamous “there are no good black men around.” These discussions have been the topic of discussion for a while now. However, some of my readers may not have read about them yet since they email me about the subjects, or maybe they just want to know my opinion on the topic. I’m gonna write this blog obviously as a Black man. The things the I will write in this post are my true opinion on the subject. I’m not worried about anyone else’s opinion. They’re free to write about this subject as well, but here’s mine. This is probably going to be my longest blog post. Brace yourself! Check this out:
The Negative Assumptions of Black Men
First, let’s get something correct. All Black men are not weak, cheaters, deadbeats, down low, irresponsible, or dependent. However, we often get categorized as a whole and that leads to us all being one of the same as far as behavior goes, in which we are not. I’m not gonna lie, it gets to me a little and I will explain why later on. As a Young Black Man, I’m sure I’m not the only one who this bothers. Now, I’m probably going to offend some people with this blog, but it is what it is. In this blog post I am going to talk about some of the current assumptions of Black men and how those same assumptions affect most Black men, even if they don’t participate in that type of behavior. In general, it has a negative effect on “us.”
I don’t know if women received the memo or not, but men of ALL races cheat. There’s no such thing as Black men cheat more than white, hispanic, and asian men. It’s not a race thing, it’s a man thing. In fact, it’s not only a man thing, because both men and women cheat. So when I hear Black women state that they’re gonna date outside of Black men because they’re cheaters, it’s a head scratcher. Let’s set some things straight when it comes to cheating. Cheating depends solely on individuals. You cannot categorize a whole race of men, and state that they’re all cheaters. In fact, a lot of the men that women call cheaters are not even in a relationship. However, there are men that cheat and it’s not denying that. However, ALL men don’t cheat.
The negative effect that cheating has on the Black men that doesn’t cheat is the constant assumptions from many women. You can’t even take care of business without a woman thinking that another woman is involved. When a lot of Black men cheat, many women start believe that ALL men cheat, which in return weakens women faith in a Black man being able to be faithful. As stated, this affects the Black men who have integrity and don’t cheat. The next subject relates to cheating, because it basically is cheating. I have no respect for the men who participate in the next listed behavior and I’ll tell you why.
Down low Black men
Men rarely touch on this subject. Women discuss this subject often and it’s led to a lot of skepticism and assumptions that they have for most Black men. Actually, I decided to mention this because it is the topic of discussion amongst a lot of Black women. Let’s get some things straight fellas. There is NO such thing as a Bisexual male. If you’re having sex with another man, you’re gay. You’re just a gay guy who engages in relationships and sexual activities with women. I’m not bashing men for being gay, because if that’s their lifestyle, it’s their lifestyle. Let them do what they do. It’s none of my business or anybody else’s. However, when a man is having sex with another man, but also has sex with women, it creates huge health risk. The reason why I said the down low lifestyle is part of cheating is because it basically is. If you’re in a relationship with a woman, and she doesn’t know that you have sex with other men as well, that’s cheating. There’s a lot of negative effects to this.
The negative effects of Black men being on the down low are growing daily. I’ll add something. This is also not a race issue, because if you pay attention to the news, there are men of other races that live double lifestyles as well. Here is why I stated that I don’t respect men who are on the down low. Most women do not know for sure who’s on the down low, so for many of them, it raises their suspicions that most black men are that way. There are a lot of men who are straight, but chances are, as a Black man you will encounter at least one woman in your lifetime that will assume that you may take part in that lifestyle, especially if you’re well-kept. For some reason, in our race, successful and driven means questionable. I live in Atlanta, and one day I was having a conversation with my homeboy from back home in NY who’s considering moving down here. He asked me how the females are down here, I said “thorough.” He asked me what are some of the cons. I mentioned most of the dating cons and I also mentioned that some of the females down here will believe you’re gay if you’re a single dude with your stuff together, and if you’re in a relationship, you’re probably down low. Women in Atlanta, and probably in a lot of other cities can confirm to what I told him. It’s sad that they believe it, because some of their beliefs are false assumptions. It affects Black men who don’t take part in a double lifestyle because it creates false assumptions from women, which in return damages a relationship sooner than later. Now these assumptions usually don’t bother you when women that you’re not interested in make them, but when women that you’re interested in have those same assumptions it does have some type of effect. Also, these assumptions bother women. They get so caught up on this subject till the point that they can never fully trust a man’s motives and intentions. I don’t really believe that most Black men are on the down low. A lot may participate in that lifestyle, but I don’t believe most do.
This subject hurts. Because I know some guys personally who are great fathers. They are not with their child’s mother so they have to share custody. However, the mother of their child are mad because they have moved on with another woman, therefore she holds the child back from seeing it’s father. I think some women get caught up in emotions at times and forget how this affects the child. I am a firm believer that a child needs a father in its life. I was raised by a single mother my whole life due to my father’s early death, and not having a father around did affect me. I did not learn lot of the things that I should have learned throughout my teenage years until I became an adult. Actually, I am still learning and growing till this day. Young men and women need a father in their lives, no matter how popular being a “single mother” may be. A girl needs a good father figure in her life to show her how should be treated by a man, the things she could expect from a man, and she also needs him to validate her throughout her childhood. Many young girls grow up today without good father figures in their lives and it often leads to low self-esteem and confidence issues. A young boy needs a good father figure in his life because he can show him how to handle situations in more of an objective manner. One of the things that I missed out on during my teen years and early 20’s was seeing the way that a man responds to adversity. Young men also need to know things such as, how to be responsible for your own actions, good decision-making, and appreciation from a man. Those are some of the things that a young male and woman are example to by having a good father figure around.
The negative affect of this is that a lot of women believe that most Black men are dead beats. I personally know a lot of men who take care of their kids to the best of their ability. The deadbeats that are out there do not account for all of the deadbeats that are out there. It takes two in order to be parents. I know this bothers the men who takes care of their kids because they don’t receive enough respect from society or those in their own race. How often are men FULLY applauded on Father’s day? Sure everyone goes on the internet and post “Happy Father’s Day” but often you will see comments like “Happy Father’s day to all of the single mothers who play mother and father” or “Happy Father’s day to the REAL father’s and not these deadbeats.” It’s cool to applaud the mothers who play both roles, but those statements effect the men who are good fathers because it takes credit away. Yes, it’s true, you shouldn’t have to congratulate a man for being a good father. However, encouragement and appreciation makes them very proud.
In the last subject, I am going to discuss everything from the assumptions of Black men being weak, thugs, irresponsible, dependent, and of course the infamous “THERE ARE NO GOOD BLACK MEN AVAILABLE.”
I’ll start with the last one first. “There are no good black men available.” That’s a lie! There are a lot of good men available, they just may not be your type. Some women these days have a habit of calling a lot of Black men cornballs. I asked some women to explain cornball to me, and they all had different definitions. But, all of those definitions led up to a guy that they’re not attracted to. Most women have a preference, and if you do not fit in that preference, there’s a possibility that you may be considered a cornball, even if you have your stuff together. There are a lot of responsible, independent, strong, straight, and educated black men out here. They often get over looked by many, but some wise and smart woman eventually comes along and scoops them up.
I hear some women all the time crying “I give up on Black men, ain’t no good ones around,” while all along having sex with some NO GOOD BLACK MAN. Wtf! That time that you spending pouting about no good black men while having sex with a no good one can be spent on upgrading yourself and preference. Honestly, there are good ones around, it’s just many of those women refuse to step outside of their norm when it comes to men and a lot of those men refuse to date a woman with negative expectations of Black men. If all you dated in the past are thugs, deadbeats, dependent and irresponsible men, then of course you’re going to assume that it’s not any good Black men around. Step your preference and choosing game up, because while you’re pouting about it not being any good Black men, women somewhere are constantly snatching up the good Black men. Ladies, let me let you in on something. Most dudes only move and step up their game if y’all make them. Of course there are exceptions such as Quality men. However, most men will step their game up if women require them to. So the best advice that I have for women who complain that there are no good men around, is to step their preference up, become more open-minded, make self improvements to your negative expectations, and watch what happens! I’ll tell you now, if you want a good Black man, you’re gonna have to stop thinking that there aren’t any left. I don’t know if any of you heard of “The secret” but negative thinking breeds negative results. Remember that!
The negative effect of those assumptions are what we are currently experiencing right now. Even though men and women in our race continue to match and mate with one another; it’s constantly growing apart. All of those negative assumptions listed about lead to trust, respect, appreciation, and growth issues in our relationships. They all lead to DIVISION!
If you’re a woman who believes the assumptions that are listed above, stop believing these negative assumptions watch things improve for you personally. Most Black men are accountable for the actions and behaviors of other black men. Yes, we all are of the same race, but we are also individuals. The negative categorizing and assumptions only make things worse. The L Factor is currently available and in a section of the book I discussed the negative effects of assumptions and categorizing. I appreciate you all for you support and reading this.
Darnell R. Mckinnon
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