The 90 Day Rule is Counterproductive [Sex]

Yeah I said it! I figured I would blog since I haven’t blogged in a while. I should have blogged about this topic years ago, but I didn’t. I believe I’ve touched on it a few times, but I didn’t blog about it as a topic. One thing that I will say is that I mean what I said in the title. The 90 day rule is counterproductive, because time lengths shouldn’t determine status or emotion. I’ll explain.

The 90 Day Rule is Counterproductive

The 90 day rule is when a woman waits 90 days to have sex with a man who she’s been dating or getting to know. Throughout a man’s life we encounter women that are either willing to have sex the same day that we meet them, months down the line, or some state that they don’t want to have sex till they’re married or never. I know some people are going to read the title and think that I’m speaking from a man whore’s point of view, but I’m not.

According to my understanding, the purpose of the 90 day rule is so a woman can gain respect, won’t be viewed as a slut, and this in return will eventually lead to a relationship if one isn’t already established. Those things are understandable, so why am I stating that it’s counterproductive? If respect is your goal; it is usually established within the first couple of conversations and it doesn’t take 90 days. If not being viewed as a slut is your goal; it takes consistency. There are some women that wait 90 days with one guy while dating him, but within those 90 days they’re sleeping with other guys that they’re also involved with. Subconsciously that has more of an effect on her than waiting 90 days ever will. That’s like going hard in the gym for 2 hours then hitting up Golden Corral right after, good discipline ruined by bad. If waiting until you established a relationship is your goal, that’s fair, but are you going to start the relationship on day 90 with the guy or after the two of you have sex? Your status as a sex only partner to a man is usually established day one or in the first couple of conversations.

I personally believe that the 90 day rule is counterproductive because it places a specific time length on sex instead of status determining when. Women love sex just as much as men do, if not more in some cases. I believe a man and woman should have sex whenever they’re ready. Some women are ready to have sex with a guy months prior to day 90, but they won’t because they want to stand by the rule. Contrary to what some believe, waiting 90 days for sex is not going to convince a man that he wants to be in a relationship with a woman. He will know prior to 90 days. Another reason why I believe it’s counterproductive is men will go elsewhere within those 90 days. Sex is a natural desire. You just met the guy so he’s more than likely not going to break his habit of having consistent sex while waiting 90 days to have sex with you. Sure, he’ll make you believe that he’s waiting 90 days, but while you’re day dreaming about what day 90 and beyond is going to be like, he’s already handling business with another woman. Now you have extra baggage after your 90 days because he’s more than likely still going to have sex with the women that he was sleeping with prior to you, especially if there is no relationship established after day 90. Some men will wait 90 days and not have sex with other women, especially if there is a relationship already established. But I believe it’s also counterproductive to wait 90 days if the two of you are already in a relationship. You’re resisting “your man” of what he desires in order to fulfill a rule? Not a good way to start off of a relationship. Once again the 90 day rule is a specific time length not a status. If sex is a man’s only goal with you, he’ll wait and fake 365 days if he has to. Then after that year, he’ll leave. It sounds thirsty, but it’s true and some men do it more often than you think.

I would like to know how many women have experienced honest relationship success with the 90 day rule. I want to compare those number of women to the women that have waited 90 days only for the guy to change-up after the sex or she finds out that he’s already in a relationship and other lies. I have no doubts in my mind that some women have experienced success using the 90 day rule. But I’m convinced more women have not had success using it. I hear stories of more women being screwed over by guys after the 90 days are up than women who had sex prior to it. I could be wrong, but this is based on what I continuously see and hear.

Men have different goals that we establish for different women. We can meet a woman who has all of the qualities that we desire in a girlfriend and she’ll instantly get more time and effort from us. We are not going to hold her to the same standards as a woman who only has few of those qualities. What I’m stating is no secret. Men view certain women as wife/girlfriend material and others as a sex partner or friend material. If we viewed all women as wife/girlfriend material, life would be a fairy tale. But since life is not, then we all (men and women) have to adapt to reality. Women are similar to men in reference to what I stated above. They know the difference between a friend/sex partner and husband/boyfriend material as well. It all comes down to personal needs and preferences, on both ends. The more needs than can be met by an individual, the more valuable that person is. The more valuable that person is, the more fond of them we are.

As a man, we know what category we want to place a woman in within the first couple of days of conversing or spending time with her. Her actions determine whether her status with us improves or declines. We’ll meet women that have most of the qualities that we desire in a woman and she’ll do something disrespectful or unattractive to ruin it, or we’ll find out that she has a negative history with men, and then we’ll lose interest. More than likely, the reason why we’ll lose interest won’t be because she slept with us prior to 90 days. As a man I’ll admit, a woman having sex with you on the first day of knowing you will raise a red flag. But that doesn’t instantly kick her out of the potential girlfriend category as some may say, depending on where and how you met her (another blog within itself). If she has the other qualities that the guy desires, he’ll still be intrigued and interested in establishing more with her.

Women are placed in the sex only category because  she either placed herself there or the guy never intended for her to be more than a sex partner in the first place. Either way, she’s there because she doesn’t have most of the qualities that he desires in a mate. So it’s true, if you don’t have the qualities that a man desires in a mate, you’re not going to be his girlfriend whether you wait to have sex with him 2 days, 90 days, 365 days, or years. I know some women that have waited 6 months to a year to have sex with guys and those guys still only wanted to be sex partners. 90 days doesn’t change much in terms of our (men) outlook. It doesn’t take 90 days to figure out whether a woman has the qualities that we desire in a mate or not.

I’m not encouraging women to have sex with men prior to 90 days. Women should have sex when they’re ready. If she feels that she’s ready prior to 90 days, then I believe she should do it. Some women do not want to have sex until they have established a relationship or marriage. I have no problem with that either. But notice, there are no specific time limits on those two. They’re all about status and emotion, not a specific time length. I think someone stating “I will make you my boyfriend/girlfriend in 50 days” is corny. I feel the same way about putting a time limit on sex, but that’s my opinion.

People will read this and automatically assume that I’m the typical guy that’s looking to find reasons for women to go out and have sex with guys quick and early before they desire. Sure I’ll get called a misogynist as always when I speak on topics like this. My reasoning is not with the intent to harm or insult. It’s not going to get me more panties thrown my way. It’s not going to make the women that I associate with have sex with me quicker. I didn’t write this to diss Steve Harvey’s opinion or his products. He’s not the first person that mentioned the 90 day rule. I’ve been hearing about it since I was a teenager. No, my opinion is not based on the doctor scene in the movie “Friends with benefits,” although it does help prove my point. I’m not encouraging men to be whores or choose whores. I’m not looking for co-signs from men either. I’m just saying what I know based on the experiences of myself and others.

 

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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Flattery Kills: The Negative Effects of Thirsty Behavior

 

You ever wonder why people who display thirsty behavior rarely get what they want?  For example, you see someone on the internet that constantly compliments someone, but they eventually get mad when they’re not rewarded for those compliments. There’s a lot of that going on. People use flattery in order to gain the attention of someone who they’re interested in. Nothing is wrong with that, but its the overuse of flattery that translates into thirsty behavior. Both women and men can sense when someone’s flattery is genuine and when it’s just…thirsty. I decided to write a post about this because I’m getting more exposed to thirsty behavior daily.  There are two major negative effects that flattery and thirsty behavior have on people. One is the effect that flattery has on the person that’s being flattered and the other is the effect on the person doing the flattering.

 

Flattery Eventually Kills False Confidence

Where does your confidence come from? Does it come from your past and present accomplishments or does it come from the compliments that other people pay you? If your answer is the latter, you can be affected by flattery in a negative way. I have no issue with people and their self-confidence. I wish the world was filled with people who had true self-confidence instead of false. There are a couple of things that lead people to have false confidence. One is flattery and the other one has more to do with having low confidence or self-esteem, therefore they have to over compensate for it by pretending that they’re a confident individual.

What is true confidence? I believe true confidence is when you are able to recognize the difference between flattery and a genuine compliment. The latter is good for you, while the first can and will eventually kill any false confidence that you do have. I’m not the type to see someone bragging all the time and say “Wow! They’re so confident.” I recognize confidence in people by their actions and decision-making. People with true self-confidence are firm in whatever decision they make. If they believe blue shoe laces make sneakers look better, they are going to wear blue shoe laces no matter who thinks it’s a bad idea.

With social networks such as Twitter and Facebook being major forms of communication, thirsty behavior is growing. Right now there is a  female with low self-esteem flashing her breast on her social networking site for compliments and sucks up all the flattery that men send her way and uses it to gas her self-esteem and confidence. Now some people may be thinking “but she’s confident because she’s showing her cleavage on the internet and that takes some confidence.” This is false, because if those compliments from people stopped, she probably wouldn’t post her breast on the internet anymore. The same thing goes for the guy that brags about how much money or material possessions he has. If people don’t compliment him or pay him any mind, eventually he’ll stop bragging. If your confidence is based on compliments that people give you, you’re setting yourself up for the kill. Always strive to develop and have true self-confidence.

 

Being Thirsty is a Waste of Time

I personally know and associate with some pretty well-kept legit women. If you were to ask them if they’re impressed by thirsty men they’ll tell you no. The same thing goes for men in reference to thirsty women. If a woman consistently throws herself at us it usually raises a red flag. The more she tries to flatter us, the less attractive she becomes. However, some men and women believe that displaying thirsty behavior will eventually get them in good standings with the person that they are trying to impress. That is usually false, because flattery kills interest. There are some people who do find flattery to be attractive, but those people eventually get tired of being flattered and dissociates with the person that was doing the flattering. I have witnessed more men and women blow the opportunity to connect with people that they were interested in by displaying thirsty behavior, than I have witness people create an opportunity.

It’s okay to give compliments to people, but with anything in life there is a such thing as overdoing it. It’s also okay to receive compliments. The happy medium is real, even in reference to compliments. If you have a genuine interest in someone, let them know vocally and then watch their reaction. Don’t overdo it though. Constantly complimenting them or stalking them just makes you out to be a weirdo and eventually they may end up slapping an order of protection on you. Keep it mild and simple and you’ll have a better chance than you would if you went overkill on compliments. This not only pertains to dating, but anything else in life.

Darnell R. Mckinnon

 

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What Makes Advice Valid? [Story Attached]

There was a 14-year-old boy who was seeking advice for a bike that he wanted  to purchase with money he made during the Fall (raking leaves.) He saved over $350. There were 4 people who the boy sought out for advice. His dad was the first person whose advice was sought. There was Mr. Riley, his next door neighbor that often fixed bikes for other kids in the neighborhood. There was Paul, the popular BMX rider that lived in the neighborhood and had a collection of five different bikes, and then there was the salesman at the bike store where the boy was planning on purchasing his bike. The boy took Mr. Riley’s advice to heart, because Mr. Riley had the most experience with bikes. After all, he fixed bikes for other kids in the neighborhood for years. The boy figured that Mr. Riley’s advice is sound. Mr. Riley told the boy to purchase a Mountain bike and stated that the boy would be able to ride the bike as an adult. The boy’s dad was also experienced with bikes. He was a financial advisor and often gave kids in the neighborhood advice on how to manage their money. He told his son to purchase a bike that is less than $100, so he will have extra money to purchase protection gear such as a helmet. Paul told the boy to purchase a Haro 200 Series bike, because it was the same kind as one of the bikes in his collection. The salesman at the bike store told the boy that he would spend most of his money by purchasing a Haro 200 Series. He told the boy that it would be wise if he chose a bike that was less in price if we wanted money left over. The boy ignored the advice of the salesman, his dad, and Mr. Riley. He took Paul’s advice and purchased the Haro 200 Series. He had no money left over to buy the protection gear. The bike was a BMX bike, so he wouldn’t be able to ride the bike as an adult. The boy eventually outgrew his bike, and when he looked back on it, he wished that he took the advice of his dad, the salesman, and Mr. Riley. He admitted that he only went with Paul’s advice because Paul had popular status as a BMX Biker. He eventually chalked it up as a lesson learned that experience and results sometimes outweigh status.

What Makes Advice Valid?

Sometimes I receive great advice from some of the most odd places. I received great advice from a 13-year-old before. It was in reference to a game that I was purchasing; it was experience based. I try to keep an open mind when receiving advice. Sometimes experts don’t lend the best advice. Some people pay attention to the status (popularity or fame) of someone who’s giving advice. Some pay attention to the age of people giving advice. Some pay attention to the experience of people giving advice. And some pay attention to the results of the advice that was given; I’m one of those people. I’m not into the status of someone who gives advice. I’m not the type of person that will run and seek advice from “so and so,” because they’re popular or famous. I rather seek advice from those with experience and those who advice produce positive results.

A top Division 1 Football coach, that coached numerous current NFL players, could be asked advice on which major would benefit his player’s career wise. Although he may not have the best advice in that area, his advice will probably be more sought after than a no-name Division 3 Football coach of a win less team, even though he has numerous ex players with fortune 500 careers. Although the Division 3 coach’s advice is better, the Division 1 coach’s advice holds more value (in societies point of view.)

It’s unfortunate that we grow accustomed to view advice that way. Even outside of education and sports we view advice that way. It seems like status outweighs experience and results. I rarely speak on it, but I find it interesting that everyone is lending relationship advice these days. Every day I’m hearing of some celebrity or entertainer giving advice on relationship and marriage, even if they’re not married. With status, no experience or positive results are necessary. The name is what makes that advice valuable. 

Lately I’ve been searching for advice blogs and articles of people who don’t have status and are not very popular. However, one thing that they do have is experience in the topics that they discuss and their advice produces positive results. I’m not knocking celebrities and entertainers at all. If you choose to seek advice from them then that’s your business.

I’ve been told before that I wasn’t entitled to give advice on some topics and I laughed. Not in an arrogant way, but literally laughed. I laughed because the people who told me those things didn’t know anything personal about me besides the basics such as my name and what I write about. These days you have to be careful in terms of who you receive advice from, but you also have to be open-minded. There’s a lot of good advice out there and you never know where it’s hiding. Status should not play a role in where you receive advice from. Instead, experience and positive results should. Some people believe status is what makes advice solid. I believe that experience and positive results outweigh everything. You decide.

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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The Selfish Dating Partner

I was asked why are most of my newer blog post directed towards relationships and dating. My answer is I’m writing off of demand. If someone request me to write about topics I don’t ignore them. I receive request in my inbox and a lot of the topics requested have been about relationships and dating. I remember a few weeks ago I was questioning if my writing on my blog was in vain. I love to write and I do it because I love it. However, I also write because I believe that the pieces that I’m writing will change someones out look on life and relationships. I am blogging from a male’s perspective so people appreciate it. Every time I think that not enough people are paying attention, more people appear to make it obvious that they are. I share my knowledge and experiences with you all because it serves me no justice by holding it in and now the buzz is start to catch like fire as a result of that.

The Selfish Dating Partner

I believe that I am one of the few people who will admit to being the reason why majority of my relationships with women didn’t work out. I was as selfish as they come accompanied with a great sense of entitlement. I can only recall one relationship that I had where I wasn’t selfish. I was the giver, and that relationship was the worst relationship that I’ve been in till this date. One of the reason why it was the worst is because I made up in my mind that I wouldn’t let it happen again.

Fortunately, that relationship took place in my teens. However, the damage that existed lasted far beyond my teens. I turned into a very selfish mate to all of my girlfriends that came after her. I would be telling a lie if I stated that the relationship from my teen years didn’t have an effect on how I treated the women that came after. I lost the idea of believing that I should meet my women halfway and I insisted that they should be the only one to bringing things to the table. I developed a fear of investing in a relationship as a result of what happened when I was a giver. I didn’t let them know that while it was happening, but it was my mind state at that time. I was giving them a specimen of me and they were giving me their all. The ego inside of me had a blast with it. I actually thought that I was winning during those times. Soon after I learned that the idea of being selfish kills good relationships with good women. I matured and took note of a couple new words from all of those relationships that came after the one where I was the giver. Reciprocate which basically means do something in return. I also took note of the word initiate, which means to lead. Initiating and reciprocating should be present in every relationship and be displayed by both mates. If it’s not, good luck!

There are people who are unaware of the damage that being a selfish dating partner does. The Selfish dating partner is an oxymoron and if you don’t think so, you’re probably single right now or soon will be. I listen to people’s relationship issues often. Some of those people I assist, and some I’m unable to assist because they’re selfish when in reference to their relationships. People complain stating that their partner doesn’t do this, say this, or show this. It’s always finger-pointing that exist. But when I ask them what are they doing, they state “I’m doing my job, they’re just not doing theirs.” Their partners are more than likely stating the same thing because there’s obviously a disconnect.

My personal opinion is if you’re a selfish individual, you should avoid dating and relationships. You may get what you want in a relationship while being a selfish dating partner but it eventually comes to an end. There will always be some type of paranoia involved as well. That paranoia is that your partner is bringing a significant amount of things to the table that you’re not. It’s amazing how the human mind works when it’s in defense mode. Being a selfish dating partner will automatically place you in defense mode subconsciously, even if you don’t have the biggest wall or shield up. It will eventually lead to accusations, arguments, disrespect, and cheating on your behalf.

This is the reason why I constantly state that people should have themselves together by knowing what they desire and what they are willing to offer before they decide to pursue dating or a relationship. So many people pursue relationships without knowing what they have to offer that specific individual. Sure they know what they have to offer people in general, but that individual may not have the same likes and desires as others. I have met plenty of women who automatically assumed what I desired based off of what other men desire. If I really like a woman while getting to know her, I ask her what does she have to offer “me” and most of them state “a lot” without explaining or make a sassy statement such as “Me.” Some even re-direct the question to me by asking me the same is if my answer will alter theirs. While my questions are selfish I ask because I am willing to reciprocate. I have it already made up in my mind before I ask. There vague answers are an instant turnoff and quickest way to end my pursuit. It’s one of the biggest signs that someone does not know what they’re willing to offer. I’m pretty sure women can say that same about men.

I’m sure many of you are wondering what I am referring to when I state selfish. I am not stating that you should not place yourself first before other individuals. Everyone deserves to put their selves first in order to continue to improve who they are as an individual. However, if you’re expecting someone to bring more than who they are as an individual to the table, you should be more than willing to offer the same in return.

The issues of selfish dating exist because people want to play both sides of the fence. They want to be selfish and date. As stated, selfish and dating don’t coincide. You will eventually lose your mate or potential mate based off of your selfish ways. The best solution is to improve upon whatever forces you to be selfish and then date after it’s done. If you try both, you will be setting yourself up for failure. There are people right now who are single and miserable because they failed to take note of this. So many people are interested in dating, but they only know what they want from individuals. They are unsure about if they’re willing to give the same in return besides the obvious, sex, conversation, or money. Sometimes we want things that we are not ready for and dating is one of them. You might ask, how do you know when you’re ready? By knowing what you desire and knowing that you’re willing to offer the same in return.

Everybody boast “I’m a King” or “I’m a Queen” but what good is that status if you treat your mate like a servant?

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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Who determines your success?

I’m probably the biggest critic of myself. I pick flaws about myself that can be improved, even when most people don’t recognize them. Since nothing about me is perfect, there is always something that I am improving on. A few years back I realized that I was being critical of myself based on other people’s definition of success. I was looking at others thinking “They have a BMW 750 LI and I won’t feel accomplished until I cop one” or “They’re sitting on 7 figures in the bank, I’m not successful.” My success was strictly determined by money and material because that’s what I learned from society and my environment as a youth. That mindset led me to plenty of days of feeling that I wasn’t good enough in the success category because my income didn’t match theirs. I based success strictly off of lucrative accomplishments. Then last year as I finished writing my first book Tug of Conflict, I had my back against the wall and it made me realize something. I said to myself “Darnell, you’re either going to start from the bottom and work your way up to the top through hard work while determining your own definition of success or you’re going to continue to state that you’re not good enough while feeling depressed from watching other’s success.” I decided that my definition of success is determined by whether I’m helping, inspiring, or encouraging others. I soon realized that the more I practice those three actions, I become closer accomplishing to my definition of lucrative success. I realize that nothing is easy about success, and crawling before you walk is uncomfortable and at times embarrassing to some. However, we all need to experience the pressure of feeling uncomfortable because it will make living comfortable feel the much better.

Who determines your success?

On the road to success, someone is always going to use different tactics to try to discourage you. We often like to call them haters. Their goal is to discourage you because more than likely they realize that you’re determined to accomplish a feat that they never accomplished. They will compare your current status to their definition of success, and often state that you’re not good enough. When they do those things, one thing that you have to realize is that they’re trying to determine your success based off of their personal opinion. Sure others in society may think the same, but the only opinion of your success that truly matters is your own.

I often have conversations with some of my younger friends who are in their early mid 20′s and they get discouraged by their definitions of success. Most of their definitions of success are based on lucrative accomplishments. Either they’re in College trying to finish off their last few semesters, recently completed College and they’re in an entry-level position in their career, or they’re in the beginning stages of running their own business. Some of them feel like giving up, but I always encourage them to continue. I let them know that they’re currently in the uncomfortable stage.

When we let others determine our success we give them leverage for controlling our confidence and future. If you let the people in society determine your definition of success and theirs is determined by having 3 luxury vehicles, 7 figures in the bank, and a mansion some of you may never live up to success. I believe that it is very important to determine your own definition of what success means to you. If success means being wealthy, then you should work towards becoming wealthy. Whatever your definition of success is, there will be a stage that will create moments of an uncomfortable feeling.

The Uncomfortable Stage

This stage of accomplishing success is the make or break stage. This is where you don’t have much to show for all the hard work and long hours that you have been putting in towards reaching your goal. During this stage, so many people will try to throw salt (Sabotage) on your goals. If you take what they state seriously, then they are bound to destroy your confidence. During this stage you’re at your most vulnerable moments, and you may feel that you’re not good enough. You begin to take heed of negative words and it may affect your mind state in reference to accomplishing your goals. People often laugh at you or compare you to others who are successful during this stage as well. These are the “I wanna just say forget it all and give up” moments You often go looking for answers from successful people to how they accomplished their success and the only answer some of them can lend you is “I got here by hard work.” The only blueprint for getting out of this stage is found in your heart and mind. This is the stage where people often quit and become lifetime spectators of other’s success. You must have a firm definition of your own success in order to survive this stage. You will be successful with whatever you’re trying to accomplish if you can survive this stage.

The Comfortable stage

This stage of success is self-explanatory. We all have personal examples of people who are living comfortable from the success of different goals.

It is very important to determine your own definition of success. If you let pther people in society determine it for you, success will be hard to attain. I have some people who consider me to be successful and others who feel as though I have not done enough to be considered successful. Guess who opinion matters the most? Mine. In the end, as long as I’m either inspiring, helping, or encouraging others, I consider myself successful. Whether I’m driving a 2010 BMW 760 LI or riding the Marta car-less; if I’m doing one of the three things that are mentioned above, I’m successful.

There is no firm universal definition of what success is. Everyone has different definitions of it. Determine your definition of success before society does it for you. It will help make your confidence similar to teflon. The quote “If you don’t stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything” should be applied when determining your success. If you don’t determine it, they will. What’s your definition of success?

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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The Bargaining chip in relationships

Some people believe that my efforts of my blog and upcoming book has something to do with my pursuit of becoming a relationship guru or expert. Honestly, I’m not interested in being either and don’t want to be labeled as such in the future. When it comes to knowledge on the issues that exist with dating and relationships, it’s basically a matter of analyzing them with more logic than emotion. Since people often solve problems with more emotion than logic, a need for third-party advice becomes greater. The problem is, too many people with credits and status are trying to lend advice on topics that they know nothing about. You don’t have to go to school, be a psychologist, and you don’t have to be an author in order to gain this knowledge. You gain the knowledge strictly through experience, observing, learning, and listening. If I’m not mistaken, most people are capable of doing all four of those things. Majority of dating and relationship problems can be solved with common sense and logic. Think about it, when you experience problems in your relationships, do you handle them using more logic or emotion? The answer to that question will determine if you need a dating expert or if you just need to look in the mirror for the solutions to your problems.

So no, don’t refer to me as a relationship expert or guru once my book The L Factor is released. I experience the same issues in relationships as everyone else; no one is immune. The pressure of feeling like I have to live up to a role of perfection in my relationship just because I share knowledge on that subject has been getting to me as of late. So after a talk with a few important people in my life, I decided to let it all go. No roles, no expectations, and no pressure, just pure knowledge. Of course I’m aware that people are going to expect me to practice what I preach, that’s fair as long as I’m not labeled. The only label that I will proudly accept is author. If anything, I’m here to present you all with an idea. One of the many ideas that we can all share with each other so that we can improve our lives in and outside of the dating world. With that being said, let’s get it!

The Bargaining Chip in relationships

Bargaining Chip Leverage in the form of an inducement or a concession useful in successful negotiations.

My definition of a bargaining chip in relationships Is a negotiation that takes place between two mates. One of the mates is the person who uses something that the other mate desires in order to make them stay in or come back to the relationships. The bargaining chip provides leverage in a relationship because no matter how much harm is being caused by the chip holder, the victim still decides to stay.

I was having a conversation with someone the other day. She was telling me about a situation that a friend of hers is currently going through. Her friend gets physically abused by her boyfriend on a regular basis, but she decides to stay. One of her reasons for staying is because the guy provides her with money. In this specific situation, money is the bargaining chip. The guy uses money to get her back after she leaves every single time. I decided to blog about situations like this because they happen often. Situations where money is used as the bargaining chip, as well as sex, comfort, material items, or other things that satisfy emotional, physical, or financial needs.

Have you ever been involved in a situation that you knew wasn’t healthy for you either physically, mentally, or emotionally? But the reason why you decided to stay in that situation is because the person(s) that you were dealing with had leverage on you. The leverage that they used was a result of the bargaining chip that made you stay or come back no matter how bad the situation was. I think a large amount of people who are reading this can agree that they have. It’s not hard to get into a relationship and become a victim of someone using a bargaining chip in order to keep you around. The effect of a bargaining chip is so potent that your mind can be set on leaving the situation for good, but since it creates a feeling of void, you decide to go back for more. I often hear people state things like “He/she cheats on me but the sex is good” or “He/She does not care about me, but I don’t want to be lonely.” Bargaining chips can make you believe that your mate is the only individual in the world who can provide you with the satisfaction that you desire. Once your mind believes this, you become trapped and open to things that can be harmful to you physically, emotionally or mentally. Although you are aware of the potential harm, you stay because of the power of the bargaining chip.

I don’t believe that this blog should be about how to escape a mate who uses a bargaining chip. The real solutions to the subject in this blog lie with prevention. How can you prevent someone from using a bargaining chip against you? The best way to prevent it is to kill dependency. Example: If you have a desire to get in a relationship, but you’re aware that you have issues with being financially dependent upon others; One way to prevent a future mate from using money and material items as a bargaining chip is to become financially independent before you pursuit a relationship. The same thing applies to sex issues, issues with loneliness, and emotional needs. All of these voids and issues should be filled prior to your pursuit of a relationship.

Please be aware that any of your dependencies for things that you desire can be used against you if your partner can provide them. As stated, the only way to avoid falling victim to the bargaining chip is prevention. Kill dependency!

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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Battling Highs and Lows while Chasing Success

I decided that I am going to take the blog in a different route for this post. The blogs about relationships are cool because they receive the most buzz, but this topic is more important in my opinion. One day I was having a conversation about the ups and downs that come in life while you’re trying to find yourself and stability. Sometimes, life throws you curve balls that you’re not ready for. Sometimes life throws you the same pitch over and over again, but yet you just can’t seem to catch it and hit the ball. The frustration that often comes from trying to hit the ball that has been pitched to you over and over again creates a sense of failure. That failure often leads to feeling depression. I’m not a shrink and I’m not an expert. However, once again I am speaking to you on an ordinary human being level.

I’m taking my blog in this direction for this post only because I know a couple of people who currently suffer from this. They’re not clinically depressed, but they are experiencing lows as a result of a lack of stability. I have fought the battle of highs and lows countless amounts of times, and I believe a plethora of human beings have as well whether they admit it vocally or not. Some people need medications, drugs, and alcohol that provide instant gratification in order to balance it out.

Battling Highs and Lows while chasing success

Knowledge is a tool and there are some people who feel depressed because they don’t know the cause of their sadness. They were not taught that highs and lows are a part of life. The doctors will state that you’re depressed or your brain is not functioning right if you’re experiencing highs and lows, but a large amount of people experience them, they just don’t admit it openly. One of the major reasons why some people feel depressed is because they feel like they’re the only person on earth who is going through their current situation. But the more they gain knowledge about highs and lows, and realize that they are common, they might come to a realization that they’re not depressed; instead they’re just experiencing life.

The issue is how do you handle those highs and lows? You can either look at those highs and lows as reality by realizing that the lows are a part of life, and they’re not as bad as they seem, or that those lows are a signal that something is wrong. We are supposed to be happy all the time right? No! Complete happiness is something that you acquire, it’s not natural. But I am going to state some things that may help you or someone who you know.

I notice, people are always saying things like If you’re feeling down, you’re depressed. That’s a lie! If you’re feeling down everyday all day, then yes something may be wrong. But highs and lows are a part of life, and in reference to chasing success, the highs and lows happen often. A great amount of our sadness and frustrations in life stems from things not going exactly the way that we want them to go. When things don’t go our way in life it has an effect on us, whether large or small. I had conversations in the past with some people who were experiencing depression as a result of not being where they wanted to be in their lives, and they would often talk about things that they wanted but didn’t have. They stated that they lost the desire to pursue their goals as a result of their failures when trying to accomplish them. Me personally, I experienced the same thing as well in the past. The emotion of trying to accomplish great things in life will either carry you or bury you. Some days it feels like you’re on course because everything is clicking right, and some days your off course as a result of things not going your way. In other words, when you’re on, you’re on, and when you’re off you’re off.

What I came to realize is that ups and downs, and feeling happy and sad/frustrated some days are all part of life. If you were happy every day of your life, how would you know how it feels to be sad? Actually, I don’t believe that you can experience what happiness feels like until you experience what feeling sad and frustrated feels like. The same thing applies for being sad. You won’t know what feeling sad feels like if you never experienced happiness. I know some people who are happy everyday of their lives minus the happy pills; at least they present their selves that way. They’re not happy because of their money, career, or lifestyle. They all state that they are happy because they have found inner peace. If you were to ask any of those people have they ever been sad before, all of them will say “Yes.”

One of the greatest causes of experiencing highs and lows minus your brain being off is having a desire to make something out of your life. In order to feel frustrated, you have to want something. I will state it again, IN ORDER TO FEEL FRUSTRATED, YOU HAVE TO WANT SOMETHING. People may contest that statement, but it’s very accurate. When there are people who are constantly flaunting the things that you desire in your face, whether it’s in the public, on the internet or on television, it can affect your happiness and outlook on life. There was a recent study that stated that this current generation of kids are experiencing depression more than any other previous generation. I believe that a great amount of their depression stems from the flaunting of things that they desire being presented right before their eyes, whether it’s on the net, at school, in the neighborhood, or on television. It creates a feeling that they are not good enough. Since they experience the feeling of not being good enough, they get down on their selves. Most of you are aware that constantly getting down on yourself creates a feeling of low that feels permanent.

One of the mistakes that we make as humans is measuring our happiness against other’s happiness. What makes Lebron James happy may not make you happy. The two of you can be in the same positions in your careers, and have the same contract, same house, same vehicles, and same status, and you may not be as happy as Lebron is. The reason why is because you and Lebron do not share the exact past. Sure you two may have come from similar environments, both have single mothers, and both were raised in the same circumstances. However, Lebron James’ happiness may actually stem from the effect and influence that he has on others, while your’s may be only because of the status and money.

While I’m guilty of it too, I dislike hearing people say things like “Man if I had Jay-Z’s status and money, I would be the happiest person in the world.” How do you know? I can almost guarantee you that if you do not find the remedy of balancing highs and lows before you get Jay-Z’s status and money, you will be on a fast crash course for depression and frustration. Being in business, I have experienced so many ups and downs. One thing that most people in business are aware of is that there are always going to be highs and lows. You may gain one million dollars one week and lose half of it the next. It comes with the territory of trying and attempting to live out your dreams. We all desire things and have dreams, but the highs and lows that come along on that journey are the same highs and lows that make people quit. Once you realize that those highs and lows are natural, it will make it easier to keep striving. I’m embracing it everyday, and I realize that chasing wealth and success has its highs and lows, but you’re already defeating a feeling of depression and frustration that stems from this by realizing the highs and lows come with the territory. No one is immune to it, some just learn how to handle it better than others.

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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A False Sense of Entitlement

Were you ever involved with someone and believed that the two of you were in a relationship, but you found out that you were the only one feeling that way? Are you dating someone and you’re monogamous, but they’re not? There are people who believe that they are in a committed relationship with someone, but their partner does not believe the same. You’re only a team when you and your partner are playing the same game by the same rules. Anything less than that should not be considered a team or an item.

Maybe you believe that you two are an item, and they believe that you two are only good friends. Maybe you believe that they’re your future husband or wife, meanwhile they only see you as a sex partner who provides affection. Or it might be that you’re just a confidant to them, while all along you believe that you’re the one because they reveal so much to you. Everyone has different definitions of dating, so if your definition does not match with your partner’s, good luck! Everyone doesn’t play fair in reference to dating these days. In fact, most people have different definitions of what dating means to them. I know some people who believe that dating means to be monogamous and basically a couple, and I know some people whose definition of dating means still single, but having relations with others. If your definition of dating means to be in a monogamous situation, and your partner’s definition is not, then you are bound to experience a false sense of entitlement.

A false sense of entitlement can stem from a breakdown in communication. I always discuss communication on my blogs because believe it or not it’s very serious. Communication is important to me because people’s desires are too fickle. Communication builds all things, and kills all thing. There are still many people who believe that their partner should not be their #1 confidant. They rather talk to their friends, family, pastors, and basically anyone else besides their partner about their feelings and desires. Some people fail to realize that their partner should be their #1 confidant, and their relationship crashes. However, that’s another blog within itself.

Here is the issue in reference to not being on the same page as your dating mate. If someone does not state “verbally” that the two of you are officially in a monogamous relationship with each other, then always be aware that they have the ability to date anyone besides you at any given moment, and it won’t be any guilt felt in their heart because they’re single.

I often hear people crying and becoming angry stating things like “Oh they play games, I don’t have time for games,” or “They’re playing with my heart, and they’re a liar.” Reality is no matter how much someone tells you that the two of you will be a monogamous couple or that you two will get married, you’re still not entitled to them until it’s made official. Let’s be honest, there are a lot of people who play date in today’s society. What is playdate? Play date is similar to playing “house” as a little kids. Remember house? You two are not officially a couple, but you act like it. You have someone who plays the husband and wife. You have the play kids, and the play house. The same relates to play dating as adults. You’re assuming a role that is not necessarily your official role, and it back fires because you don’t receive gratification, appreciation, or an “official” reward as a result of doing so. I don’t care how much you do for your partner that you play date with, or if you cook for them and treat them like a King/Queen; after the play date is over with your partner goes their merry way, but you’re left with the emotions and after effects of it. Yep, post dramatic love!

That’s a false sense of entitlement! How do you gain a false sense of entitlement? Assuming. There’s two different types of assuming that you can do when it comes to dating. 1.) You can assume that your partner will not go out and date other people because you two are dating, even though nothing has been made official between the two of you. You assume this because your partner acts like the two of you are official, but the two of you know that you’re really not. 2.) You can assume that your partner has the ability to date outside of your situation because things haven’t been made official. The latter will spare you from a false sense of entitlement. Does this necessarily mean that you have to accuse them and go out and date others? No. However, it will lessen the possibility of feeling distraught after you find out that your partner has moved on to the next one.

I often see people air their former dating partners out on facebook and twitter. What they don’t realize is that they’re consistently playing themselves publicly. Embarrassing yourself publicly with intent to embarrass another person takes away from your value, especially when you made it known to everyone that you were single. It’s amazing how people who proclaim themselves as being “single” over and over on their status’ and to their friends, can be angry enough to air out their former partners. That is a false sense of entitlement within itself. If you and your partner were both single; it means that they had the ability to date whomever they wanted to. Yes, it’s unfortunate, but it’s reality. There is no such thing as “single, but monogamous” unless you’re dating yourself.

Some may beg to differ, but if the two of you are both single, yet 100% committed to each other, why not make it official? What’s the hold up? A relationship is not marriage. It’s something that provides the two of you with the ability to build.

By assuming that you’re entitled to someone because you provided them with sex, material items, love, conversation, or even confide in them is selling yourself short. If you want to claim someone as yours, make it official with them! So the next time you sense yourself getting upset over someone who is not officially yours, remind yourself that you’re not entitled to them.

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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Until Then…

So I am almost near where I planned on being at the beginning of 2010. It may seem like a small feat for some, but it’s huge for me. Book #2 is just around the corner for me and I’m still fairly young. I’m a 26 yr old Black male from Buffalo, NY, born and raised. It sounds cliché, but if you’re from my city they count you out when it comes to making a statement in the world. They state that black males only aspire to influence people through music and sports. Well, that’s a lie! They just didn’t give us the right type of spotlight yet, but I’m going to take mine and I suggest all of the other young men who have careers in fields other than sports and music do the same. Am I knocking sports and music? Of course not! I played sports and I did music up until the end of 2008 so I can’t knock it.

However, this is about making a statement outside of those two avenues. When I wrote my first book Tug of Conflict it was more of a journey to find me than writing a book. When I wrote that book, my back was against the wall. I had no money, no hope, no faith, and no aspirations. I crashed because I made a switch in my career and lifestyle. No one knew what I was going through during that time except my family, my girlfriend at that time, and me. But somehow, I figured out how to get it done. If someone were to ask me how I wrote a 200 page book about Young men and their mental battles that they experience, my honest answer would be adversity. I wrote that book at a moment when I was experiencing the Tug of Conflict myself. I knew nothing about writing a book. I just wrote what was on my mind based off of the experiences of me and those around me when I was growing up. In fact there were a lot of grammatical errors in the first book that I wrote (their now fixed.) But although I knew nothing about writing a book, I got it done. That’s just a major sign that ANYBODY can do ANYTHING that they put their mind too. Don’t take that statement lightly.

People always ask me if my books are fiction when I tell them that I’m an author. When I tell them no, they look at me funny. They don’t expect black men to be able to write self-help or any book other than poetry and novels. That’s false though, because at least three of my associates are young black men who have written self-help books. Novels are cool, but that’s not my lane. Maybe I will go down that lane in the future after I see more of the world and get more experience as a writer. Then you have people who state anybody can write a book, as a way of discrediting me. They’re right, anybody can write a book. I encourage anybody who can to write one, but I’m going to take my credit for that 200 page book that has helped many.

So now I have my back against the wall once again. It’s nothing new to me. The process in writing this book has been very stressful till the point that it started to effect my personal relationships. I was battling myself over the material for this book. They told me that a book similar to mine has been written before, that’s a lie! They tell me that some women and feminist are going to dislike me because of what’s going to be revealed in this book. Cool, if everyone likes The L Factor I am doing something wrong. However, I have a strong feeling that more women will appreciate it than hate it. They say that I’m not a relationship expert, guru, or psychologist so I have no right to write a book like this. My answer to all of that is: I will let the book speak for itself! This is my last blog post before I release my book. Enjoy all of the post that are currently posted. I appreciate all of you guys feedback and support, I really do!

Here’s an excerpt from the book

I had a female friend who I will keep anonymous, that was very frustrated about her dating life with men. Her frustration stemmed from things in her love life not going well and it spiraled down into her life outside of dating. She was young with a successful career, independent, smart, caring, and gave her all to the guys that she had been involved with. She dated all different kinds of guys in her previous relationships. She dated guys who were, nice, broke, players, rich, Athletes, Entrepreneurs, married men, men with multiple mothers of their children, men with no kids, men with status, and this was all in her 28-yrs of living.

All of her relationships, except with one guy, ended in negative results. He was one of the last guys that she dated. She did not want to date another guy after him unless it was him or a guy similar to him. He was the one guy that she dated and wished that things wouldn’t have ended. He wasn’t the perfect fairy tale guy, but it was something about him that had all of her interest. He wasn’t the rich guy, or the player, Athlete, nice guy, bad guy, broke guy, guy with multiple mothers of his children, and he wasn’t married. However, he had some of the characteristics of all of the guys listed above. It was something different that separated him from all of the guys that she had ever dealt with, he was a quality man.

The relationship with the quality guy and my friend did not work out because he felt that she was not ready to be his companion at the time that they were dating. She desired him, but he did not desire her because she no longer valued herself as a result of all of her prior relationships. She asked him one day out of curiosity what he desires in a woman. He was man enough to tell her with clarity and she made it her mission to make those improvements. She did not do it because he told her to. Instead, she did it because she wanted to and realized that those improvements would better her life overall.

Recently, the guy ended up getting married to another woman. But my friend still has the utmost love and respect for him till this day. Although she did not successfully acquire him after making the improvements that he desired, she gained the attention of quality men and became an option for many of them. My friend is now happily engaged to what she refers to as a quality man of her own. She constantly boasts about how her life has never been better and that she’s currently getting the best out of life.

I will reveal some of the things that the guy told her in reference to what he desired in a woman throughout this book. There is one specific thing that he told her and that is one of the main characteristics that quality men really desire in women. Once you learn and apply these characteristics, appealing to and acquiring quality men will not be an issue. This book is for the women who may or may not be like my friend, but are curious and willing to find out the realities of what quality men desire.

Ladies, this book is for you. If you truly want to know what Quality men desire, the answers are in this book. After you’re done reading it, you can confirm whether it’s true or not with “Quality men” and the women who date or are married to them. This book is for ALL women, whether you’re married, engaged, divorced, dating, or single.

CHECK OUT THE NEW L FACTOR BOOK WEBSITE. IT’S SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU PATIENT UNTIL THE RELEASE!

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ALSO CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE FOR MY OTHER BOOK “TUG OF CONFLICT” IT’S A GEM!

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Darnell R. Mckinnon

Attention:

Is The Grass Greener On The Other Side?

So I said that I wasn’t going to write a blog post until my book The L Factor drops (Click Here to check out the site.) It’s obvious that I’m not good at keeping my word about staying away from something that I love to do. The book is coming, but there are some other important things that need to be done before I decide to put it out there. I’m enjoying this time in between the release though and hopefully the blog keeps you all interested and wanting more as well.

I was having the conversation with a couple of cats the other day. We were discussing moments in time where we missed out on a good chick because we thought that the grass was greener on the other side of the relationship that we were in. It’s funny, because when you get your mind hyped on the grass being greener on the other side, every small issue that takes place in your relationship and every small flaw that your mate has becomes magnified. You begin to instantly place one foot in the relationship and the other foot out. The one foot that’s in begins to lean towards being out because the curiosity of the grass being greener pushes you that way.

I have yet to have a situation where I left my girl for another woman and it turned out better. Things may have started off better, but sooner than later I realized that things were the same or worst, minus a few upgrades. So she may have looked better, but her attitude was worse. She may have been more financially stable and established, but she was dumb as rocks. At the end of the day it’s always a risk being taken when you live by the “Grass is greener on the other side” quote. The grass being greener can often be tempting, but the risk involved usually outweigh the reward.

“You think the grass look greener on the other side, but it’s dyed.”- Joe Budden “Downfall”

Is the Grass Greener on the other side?

One thing that I have come to realize in reference to human beings is that you only get a “face value” glance of who they are in the beginning stages of knowing them. As humans, we have a way of protecting our selves whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. In order to stop embarrassments and insecurities from being out in the open, most humans will put up a smoke screen. The smoke screen is the dye in the situation. A smoke screen is an identity that someone uses to cover up who they truly are. I don’t know too many people who will put up a smoke screen that’s worse than their true identity. That smoke screen is what impresses the people who believe in the grass is greener quote. Honestly, I haven’t heard one person state that they left their mate for another person and things worked out perfectly. If things did work out well with the new person, most of them made it work no matter how bad their new relationship was in order to enhance their cover up and avoid making their selves look stupid.

If you’re human and sane, you should always be looking for an upgrade in life and relationships. However, many people look for relationship upgrades while they’re already in a relationship. Above I stated that the risk in doing so outweighs the reward and here’s why:

When you and your mate have been involved in a relationship for a while, majority of the smokescreens are usually removed. You begin to learn everything about them, from their reactions to certain things, their “true” likes and dislikes, their personality traits, and their character. In other words, you learn their true identity. This automatically sparks disagreements amongst the two of you because of course as humans many of us are different. The two of you are bound to disagree on things because there are no more smoke screens present. More than likely, the two of you do not have 100% identical life experiences and upbringings so you may not look at certain things the same. Some of those things that the two of you look at differently may cause disagreements or create a lack of understanding.

I always laugh at people when they state things about someone new that has their interest. They often state things like “Oh we click and get along so well,” or “We have so much to talk about, there’s never a dull moment.” Or the infamous “I’m really feeling them because it’s no drama or arguments.” Of course it’s not any arguments or drama, because the two of you are too busy trying to please each other and leave a good impression, all while hiding the true identity of your emotions and dislikes. You click, because you’re supposed to click. Smokescreen+Smokescreen= Click! It’s so much to talk about because the two of you hardly know the “true” identity of each other. And there’s never a dull moment as a result of not knowing the true identity.

But…sooner than later, the true colors of the both of you will emerge. This is when you begin to have doubts about the grass being greener on the other side. After you reach the level of doubt where you and “the new interest” personalities begin to clash, you begin to compare them with your current mate. This all produces a double fail. Your mate begins to become unhappy because of your constant nagging, arguing, and bickering about the small things that they do, which is all caused by you being delusional as a result of your belief in the grass being greener. Sooner than later, your “new interest” begins to stray away as well because you seem indecisive. Hence why I state that the risk outweighs the reward of living by this quote.

As stated, we chase upgrades in life often, especially when the opportunity is there. However, something that looks like an upgrade from the outside is not always an upgrade. I’m pro-upgrade in life and I believe that everyone else should be as well. But trying to upgrade while being involved can be a huge mistake. Now, I am not stating that you should not leave your mate if things are not fixable or if the bond has been completely broken. However, don’t leave your mate for someone else over small things that you magnify into big issues. I know people who search for and find issues in their relationships and magnify their mate’s flaws just so they can leave and be with the new interest.

Smoke Screens (dye) inhibit you from seeing the true identity of your potential “new interest.” So, if you’re one of the people who live by “The grass is greener on the other side” quote, be very careful because green grass might eventually make you itch!

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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It takes A LOT of Discipline for a man to NOT be a Player

What up people! I hope everyone enjoyed their Memorial Day weekend and got something accomplished. The weather is breaking and that usually means that a lot of people are on the prowl whether involved or single. I’ve been finishing up on some things for my The L Factor Book site (Click on the link to view it.) I decided to write today’s blog from a male’s perspective. Honestly I’m getting a little jaded with writing repetitive blog post on relationships, when it all boils down to self-improvement. But I will share the knowledge in order to aid some of you that desire it.

It takes A LOT of Discipline for a Man to NOT be a Player

I know the title is a little unpleasant for some of you females who are involved or married to read, but it’s true. A few blogs ago I stated that all men are capable of being faithful, and that it depends on the woman and whether he fully desires her. Well…

When a male (That’s about self-improvement and progress) reaches a certain point in his life he begins to gain a plethora of options in women. It doesn’t matter if he’s black, white, hispanic, asian, etc. Once he reaches a certain status, he’s going to be able to literally pick which women he wants to be involved with. It doesn’t matter if he’s an Athlete, Entertainer, or Career man. Of course this type of status usually comes along with age, but there are a rising amount of young cats that’s getting it when it comes to status.

There’s two different types of men in terms of getting with women.

-You have the guys who women chase. These are the guys who decide which women they want to get involved with. These guys always have a plethora of options. These are the guys who have the ability to date the women that they desire.

-You have the guys who chase women. These are the guys that women decide whether or not they want to be with. They have options, but their options are not always the women that they fully desire.

Some of you may state that the guy that women chase has to have more discipline in order to not be a player, but in most cases that’s false. I hate hearing people often state “He’s an Athlete, she should have known that he was going to cheat.” They state that as if the average ordinary Joe Blow from the neighborhood wouldn’t cheat because his options are fewer. Actually it’s not the fact of him being an Athlete that made him a cheater, it’s his lack of discipline that did.

Some women may call me stupid after I state this, but it actually takes the guy who has less options of women that they desire, more discipline to NOT be a player. Here’s why:

Unless a guy is a complete lame he is capable of dating at least one woman. Here’s the issue though, she may not actually be the kind of woman who he desires. As with anything that’s low on quality options, he’s liable to accept her and any other women who are not what he desires in order to have a woman around. The unfortunate thing for women is that this guy that I’m discussing is the average male. No dude is going to admit that he’s this dude, but deep down inside he knows. Anybody can go around bragging about how many women they have on the team, but very few men can go around bragging about having a team of women who he desires. It will take extreme discipline for this man to not be a player because when you don’t have what you desire in your stable, it usually creates an urge, temptation, and desire to get it one day. If the woman that this kind of guy desires approaches him, 9/10 times he’s going to take the bait. I always tell women to make sure that the guy that she is involved with desires her completely. This is one of the reasons why!

It takes the guy who has reached a certain level of status and success a lot of discipline to not be a player because of habits. If you’re used to having things your way when it comes to women, it’s hard to break it. The benefit that this guy has is that he has women who he desires already at his disposal so he won’t be as tempted as the guy who only has options that desires him. However, if this guy lacks integrity, in which some of them do, it will be difficult for him to stop being a player. Also, some of these guys were once the guy who only had options that desired him, so he’s just beginning to explore his options of women that he desires.

People can continue to write stupid books about having a man do this, and do this and that for a man in order to keep him, be a freak in the sheets and lady in the streets, and massage his back and cook his meal. Blah, blah, blah! but honestly, if he doesn’t desire you, none of that will keep him faithful to you. Few, if any men will commit to you if he does not desire you. The exceptions are men who have a great sense of integrity in their character.

This is why you should only get seriously involved with men that fully desire you!

I’m not stating that status is the only thing that aids you with getting women that you desire. However, I am stating that the kind of women that MOST men desire usually come along with status. When I state status I’m not referring to money, I’m referring to Quality. Call me bias, but somewhere dudes who are reading this is saying he’s right!

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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The Anti-Gentleman

I know some of you are reading this thinking “What is this dude talking about?” The title is not only catchy, but it relates to the mindset of a lot of guys in today’s society. Is the “gentleman” embraced by the majority of females anymore? Matter of fact, how many guys want to be a gentleman?

The Anti-Gentleman

I know some people think that I’m a little over the top with my questions that I asked above, but honestly they’re good questions. I decided to do this blog after a few conversations with a couple of fellas. I always write based off of the experiences of me and others. But anyways, we were talking and everybody was stating how they have had more success with females by using the straight-forward “I just wanna hit it and nothing else” approach than the gentleman approach. I’m not stating that being a gentleman isn’t cool, nor am I stating that being a gentleman is a negative thing. However, I am going to speak from the view points of most males in my age range (I’m in my mid 20′s) and a plethora of them are anti-gentlemen. But there’s a reason…

Honestly, most guys rather take the anti-gentleman approach with females rather than the gentleman approach. They’re not acting this way for no reason either. Whether it’s considered to be valid or not, they’re actually acting this way because they believe that it creates a better reaction from the females than being a gentleman would. Some of you ladies may be thinking “He has to be referring to those hood rat girls, he can’t be referring to a classy lady.” Honestly, there are women of all status and class that are less receptive to the gentleman approach than the anti-gentleman. NOT ALL WOMEN! So whether you believe it or not, a lot of guys are anti-gentleman because of the reaction that they receive when they behave in that manner.

In my book Tug of Conflict, a few Chapters in the book refer to showing young men appreciation for doing what’s considered to be right and you’ll more than likely receive more positive actions out of them. The same relates to adult men. I hear some females holler “I want a good man, where are the good men at?” But the moment they come across one that respects them and behaves like a gentleman, they find a reason to end things with him. “Oh he’s boring,” “He’s too nice,” or “He doesn’t have enough edge, I need a guy with more edge.” Now, it is possible to have edge and be a gentleman, but a lot of guys are not aware of that because they weren’t taught that. In a lot of guy’s minds, the word gentlemen means gentle, polite, and soft. We all know women respect strength, power, and rough sometimes.

A lot of guys are gonna feel me on this. Situational setting here: Say I met a female that I really like. I’m interested in getting to know her better and I’m not trying to have sex with her right off the back, out of respect and wanting to see what else she’s about. She invites me over to her place. I decide to just take things easy with her and enjoy the evening without having sex. Maybe a little massage, kissing, and so on and so forth. Things get hot, but I tell her that I respect her and want to wait until we get to know each other better.

Now, 9 times out of 10 I’m either going to be the victim of 1 of 2 assumptions once she makes that infamous phone call to her girl-friends. Either she’s going to 1.) Call her friends, tell them that I’m a good catch, and that I may be the one OR she’s going to 2.) Call her friends and tell them that she thinks I may be gay, because I turned down her goods.

A lot of guys believe that a female is going to choose the latter. Normally after #2 a woman will look at a guy different after he turns her goods down, and not in a good way either. So they figure “Why not go for the kill?” The reason is because a lot of females are so used to guys going for the kill on the first day. Let’s be honest, there are also a lot of women who are more than willing to give up their goods on the first day. That leaves the gentleman in a tough predicament. Honestly ladies, how many of you were ever involved with a dude that put your goods on hold in order to get to know you better first?

The reason why a lot of dudes are not doing that is because they feel that they will not be embraced and appreciated if they be a gentleman and tell you that he’s going to wait until he knows you better. I’m gonna let you all in on something. Most guys do what you all (females) expect them to do. Some of my official cats out here do what they want to do because they’re firm in their own identity, but there are a lot of guys that either do what females expect them to do or what they believe females want them to do.

So how do females get more guys to behave like gentlemen in today’s society? Embrace and show appreciation for their actions when they behave like gentlemen. I know some of you women are wondering “Why do we have to embrace and show appreciation in order for guys to be gentlemen, it should be a given.” You have the right to believe that, but a lot of guys don’t see it like that. A lot of guys are rewarded more for being the anti-gentleman than the gentleman in today’s society. So unless the way that majority of females demand to be treated changes, a lot of guys will continue to do it. Since it’s so many females who are receptive of the anti-gentleman approach, other females more than likely will get approached by a guy who uses it. Being the realist that I am, realistically the majority of men are not going to become gentlemen because the majority of women are not going to demand and embrace it. The only way it will change as a whole is if the majority women embrace the gentleman approach.

I’m not making excuses for guys. Yes, there are guys who need to find themselves and get their lives together. But the same can be said about both genders. It takes participation from both parties, because in order for it to be practiced continuous, it has to be accepted and embraced. I’m not going to do the “more guys than females” or “more females than males” comparison because honestly room for improvement is for both.

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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Women Who Have a Team

My last couple of blog post have been general post pertaining to males and females. I decided to take things in a different direction and make a post about women who have a team of guys. Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of women brag about having a team. It’s no specific age of women who have a team because younger and older women are participating. While everybody has the right to do whatever they desire in life, I’m writing to let some of those women know how things look from the outside.

The Team

Being a single male in today’s society is fun. I’m not gonna lie, because it seems as if women are more lenient than ever. If you’re doing something positive with your life or on the verge of being successful, having options in women is usually not a problem IF you have the other characteristics in place. Actually, most men are more than likely enjoying these times whether they’re ambitious or not. I know of guys who are not doing anything with their lives and have a football roster of women. As previously mentioned, I’ve noticed a trend lately pertaining to some women having a team of men on their roster.

Now, I don’t know if a lot of females are aware of this or not, but check this out. When you have a team of men, you’re actually doing us men a favor, because we don’t have to be in an exclusive relationship with you in order to get what we want. For the most part, men do not feel the need to be in a relationship. There’s two main reasons why we get in relationships. 1.) To get what we want, if the female is not giving it to us without a relationship. 2.) Because we found a woman who has our interest, fulfill our desires, and it’s deep enough to get in a relationship with her. However, number one is ruled out majority of the time because there are many women who are willing to fulfill our desires, whether sexual or material without being in a relationship. So yes, a woman who has a team is doing the guys that she’s involved with a HUGE favor, especially if those guys don’t have interest in being involved in an exclusive relationship with her.

Alright, some of the females with a team might state that they get the full package by having a team, because all of the guys that are on the team amount to the one guy that they truly desire. Most females with a team are single and some are not. Some of you may think “well I’m single so I should be able to date as many guys as I can.” While that’s fair, it creates a future problem. That future problem is called emotional baggage.

I’m gonna be honest with you, and a lot of females are probably not going to like this. Some of you may call it a double standard and some of you may say that I’m bias. However, it’s difficult for a woman to live the lifestyle of a male without it either having a negative effect on her emotionally in the future or present. It is widely known that most single men receive props for having a team. It is the complete opposite effect for women with a team. Some women say they have teams because men are out doing the same. There’s no point in getting upset about the double standard because it’s not going anywhere. It’s been around since the beginning of time. So having a team because men have them is crazy. There’s no getting even with men involved, you only harm yourself.

What’s the point of having a team if no one on your roster upgrades you? I’m referring to mentally and emotionally. Anybody can give you money, that’s not a permanent upgrade, only temporary. I see some females with teams and all of the dudes are of the same caliber. Basically, the guys that are on their roster are just convenient guys, which means if one messes up or flakes out another will step in, and the cycle continues. Now, if you’re going to have a team of guys that are like this, either you’re going to keep recycling the same players on your roster or you’re gonna add another guy to the roster that’s the same caliber as the other guys. You’re wasting valuable time!

Now answer this question!

Do you believe an exclusive relationship will evolve from having a team?

Females have a team because they obviously have not found the guy that they truly desire to be with exclusively. Not only that, but some women have a team because everyone on their team amount to the one guy that they truly desire. Some have a team because they claim they’re having fun, and some have a team because their girlfriends have one. If the ultimate underlying desire that you have is to be a girlfriend or wife someday, you’re actually contradicting that by having a team. A playette stage doesn’t prepare you for a relationship, it adds baggage. The most important thing that is lost from having a team is time. Time to fully get to know you and what you desire. Time to improve and upgrade your life on your own.

So when it’s all said and done, when it comes to having a team is the return investment greater than the time invested?

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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Keep Going…

You know, lately I’ve been sending out private pre-release invitations to my close family and friends for my book release. A lot of people replied back and congratulated me stating that I inspire them and they look up to me. While those compliments are great, I want all of them to know that they inspire me as well. My book is complete FINALLY, so anyone who thought that I was making excuses for procrastinating my release, you will be able to purchase the book in a couple of weeks.

The times that I have experienced in this year (2010) have been some of the most trying times ever. Sure I was working on my book during this time, but it seemed as if the book was working on me. Only those who are very close to me know what I’ve went through from Hospital visits, writer’s block, to feeling like I hit constant dead-end. I think it was the message that’s in the book that made it so hard to finish. I just want y’all to know, if I did it, so can you. Whatever you do for a living, no matter how hard it gets, keep doing it.

When I say that I truly appreciate all of the support that I have been receiving for my writing over this past year, I truly mean it. It has kept me going. I know if it wasn’t for God, family, close friends, and you all, I wouldn’t have completed this book. I know that for a fact!

The reason why I stated that the people who congratulated me inspire me is because they were my fuel for writing this book. Everyone who takes out time to leave facebook status updates about their relationships, and the many females who told me that they didn’t know what Quality men REALLY desire inspire me as well. I’m not gonna lie, there were so many times that I felt like canning this book and just saying forget it. I’m inspired by all of the different stories that I hear from people about their relationships whether they’re positive or negative stories. They all give me something to write about. Actually I admire those people, because they’re willing to share their stories and experiences with me. That’s something that I’m a little restricted from doing, even though there are many times when I would like to do the same. I admire you all for that!

Once this book is released, I ask that you all look at me as the same no matter what success comes from this book. People did that with me after my first book and it hurt me because I became complacent. I’m human like you all, and I experience relationship issues just like you. One thing that humbles me and aids me with being able to write is experiencing those relationship issues. One thing I dislike about writing self-help blogs and books is that many people expect you to be perfect. I’m no model citizen when it comes to relationships. I’ve been a player before, cheated before, left women that loved me, and got left by women that I loved. I’m still growing though, and hopefully you all are as well. But in the end, when “The L Factor” book releases in a couple of weeks, just know that I did it for you!

For somebody, somewhere this book is going to be Golden and change their life!

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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You get what you don’t ask for (Story)

There once was a man who consistently pursued perfection. Although he never achieved perfection, he aimed for it.  He graduated with Magna cum laude honors from his University. He had a great career as an agent for top entertainers and lived a luxurious lifestyle consisting of beautiful women, custom-made clothing, and high-end vehicles, which were all rewards from his hard work as an agent. He had an income in the upper six figure range. He was single, no kids, lived on his own and although he had no kids, he was a family man and would often let his niece and nephew visit every other weekend. He was neat and well-kept, barely letting hair grow on his face or the top of his head. He worked out 5 days a week, ate healthy, and traveled often. His hobbies were acquiring top clients in the Sports and movie industries along with playing pickup games of Basketball and flag football with his friends whenever he had free time.

While his career and lifestyle were balanced, there was a vacancy in his love life. While in highschool and college, he dated women from time to time, nothing serious. The most that ever came out of those relationships were sex. He was always referred to as being “The Pimp” by those who knew him well. While he was no real pimp, they considered him to be one because of his charismatic demeanor with the ladies. Women loved him and desired to be in his presence whenever  he had spare time. He was very confident in everything he did, but he was not arrogant. After years of being considered “The Pimp,” he desired a long-term relationship since he had become jaded with the lifestyle of being with multiple women from time to time.

He wanted a life partner, but standing in the way of one was his desire for perfection in a mate. He wanted a woman who looked flawless like the women in Men’s lifestyle magazines and television. Her were to consist of an athletic shape with a six-pack, a decent height, perfect white teeth, long brown hair, nice skin with blemishes, pretty feet, nice legs, nice arms, and intelligent like him with no kids.

He started an online profile on the dating website “E Harmony.” He wanted to try something new and didn’t feel the urge to go out to local events and lounges to meet the type of woman that he desired.  Three weeks after starting his profile he found a woman who fit the description of the long-term mate that he desired. She was 5’6″, nice brown skin without blemishes, long hair, athletic body with a six-pack, nice arms and legs, and also nice white teeth with no kids. The two went out on a date together and their pursuit of each other abruptly came to an end.

The day after, he called his friend and told him that he’s giving up on dating for good. His friend asked him what happened to the girl that he met on E Harmony. He replied “She was everything that I thought I desired. She was beautiful, perfect shape, intelligent, and had a perfect smile.” His friend replied “Well why are you done with dating if she was that hot?” He then replied to his friend in a somber tone “While she had all of the qualities that I desire, she also has A LOT of characteristics that I don’t desire. Sure she had a perfect body, but she was loud and annoying. She had perfect brown-skinned, pretty white teeth, and nice long hair, but she was arrogant. She was intelligent, but she had no job and still lived with her parents. Her dating profile said that she was a realtor, but she stated that she hasn’t started yet. She has no desire to go back to school or get a job, because she believes that she’s too intelligent for school and doesn’t want a boss telling her what to do. I asked her what are her goals for the future and she stated that she can’t see the future. She displayed no class, she was talking with a mouth full of food. She burped OFTEN. She had bad breath and while she had no kids, her attitude was completely negative. I told her that we shouldn’t pursue each other anymore. She then told me that I wasn’t strong enough to handle a woman like her. Man she was the complete opposite of what I expected.” His friend began to laugh and asked him was it that bad. He replied “Man she was everything that I didn’t ask for.” He then shared a laugh with his friend in disbelief.

The moral of that little short story is that sometimes you get what you don’t ask for. People are so focused on looking for what they desire in a mate that they sometimes forget to think about the small but important characteristics. I believe in energy, positive and negative. I believe if you focus on and pursue the things that you desire, sooner than later you will come across them. I remember one time I was looking for a vehicle. My two desired vehicles were always a Range Rover and  BMW. One day I went on the website for the local paper to look up prices for used vehicles. Ironically I came across a Range Rover and BMW that were in my price range. Photos of the vehicles were not included in the ad, but I still took down the number for the owner of both since they were the vehicles that I desired. I was so excited thinking“Wow, who would have thought that my two desired vehicles would be in my price range. What are the chances of that?” I went to see the BMW first. While the BMW looked nice on the exterior, the interior had no backseat, the front seats had holes in them and the car didn’t start-up, although the owner claimed that it was running just before I arrived. I quickly crossed that car off the list. The next day, I went to see the Ranger Rover. The Ranger Rover had four flat tires and the interior was bad. I crossed the Range off of my list as well. I sat backed and laughed thinking “I had the opportunity to get at least one of the cars that I’ve always desired having, but I was so focused on having the specific vehicle that it didn’t cross my mind that I wanted those vehicles to be in mint condition.” I expected those vehicles to be in Mint condition. One thing I quickly learned about life is that you don’t always get what you expect.  I still think about that till this day. It’s actually one of the reasons why I believe in the laws of attraction. You do attract what you desire, but sometimes you also attract what you don’t ask for along with it.

The lesson is to be specific with what you desire. If you have a specific type of mate that you desire, make sure you specific with details when describing them in your prayers or your mind. Sometimes you do get what you don’t ask for.

 

Darnell R. Mckinnon

The story above is fiction and the model featured is not the woman that is being discussed in the story.

Why Advice From Friends Can Ruin Your Current or Potential Relationship

Were you ever in a relationship or dating situation and one of your friends had nothing but negative things to say about them? Sometimes, it’s always the same friend that has something to say about anyone that you ever dated or attempted to date. Other times, that friend feels the need to pick and choose their favorites out of all the people who you’ve been involved with. This blog is about them.

I haven’t written a blog post in a while. I’ve been taking care of some business, but I figured I will pop up and write another post. I decided to write this post because I always hear people nagging and complaining about how they don’t like they’re mate’s friend(s). Either I’m hearing that complaint or I’m reading on my timeline (twitter) or wall post (facebook) about  people not liking the “loser” or “lame” that their friend decided to get involved with. Now, while friends are supposed to be there to have your back and keep you out of harms way, whether physical or emotional; some of them inflict more harm than they protect you from. Here’s why:

Why Advice from friends can ruin your current or potential relationship

Everyone is not qualified to give relationship advice. Some people may even think that I’m not qualified. I know a few people personally that doesn’t know anything about me from an intimate stance, but they insist that I have no clue  of what I’m speaking on. You think I care? Of course not. I continue to lend advice, because as I always state, if I have legit knowledge about something I’m going to share it. The reason why I stated that some people are not qualified is because wisdom is needed more than assumptions or guessing when lending relationship advice. Wisdom usually provides facts and solutions. There are people who have never been in a successful, happy, or lengthy relationship that are giving advice. For me personally, I always get my best relationship advice from people who are older than me by 15 plus years. They share great relationship advice with me. Sometimes I receive advice from my peers, but its rare. I may take a pointer from them here and there, but never advice that will determine if my relationship survives or not.

I hate to say it, but some women are receiving marriage or relationship advice from hoes and women that can’t stand men. Some men are receiving marriage or relationship advice from whores and men that have not and will not ever get married, nor do they want to ever get married. All in all, you have to be careful with who you get relationship advice from.

Some people tend to believe that friends give the best relationship advice. I strongly disagree. Your friends are usually going to give you advice from a bias perspective. When it comes to your friends, they’re usually bias to your benefit only. If your current or potential mate does not cater to your friend’s ego or liking, they’re usually not going to be approved of by your friend. I remember I was dating a nice young lady a few years back and one of her female friends always had slick and snide comments to say about me. The only thing that her friend knew about me was whatever the girl that I was dating told her about me, because her friend and I didn’t associate on a regular basis. Her friend would tell her that I’m probably involved with other women, that she thought she saw me out with another woman, and basically all of these other assumptions; no facts. As time went on, the girl and I never was able to progress our dating into a relationship because she took advice from her friend to heart. A few years later we shared a conversation and she stated that she’s not friends with the girl anymore because she slept with her most recent ex boyfriend.

I found that interesting, because I hear stories like that often from people. The one friend that dislikes your mate to the point that it’s almost a disdain, is usually the same friend that would attempt to sleep with your mate if given the opportunity. Watch out for any friends that always talk down on your mate if they’re doing nothing wrong. These type of situations happens often and the person in the middle gets hurt sometimes even though they were initially trying to play the peace maker between their friend and their mate.

Three types of friends to be careful with receiving advice from. In my opinion, you shouldn’t receive advice from any of these friends:

1. The Clingy friend- This is the friend that always wants to be in your presence. They want to know ALL things about your relationship or hookups, and I mean ALL. They want to know what your conversations are about, how much is being spent on dates, how good the sex is (warning), and other things of that nature. They consider themselves to be your right hand and come across as having your best interest at heart 100% of the time, but it can be a facade. Be very careful when receiving relationship advice from this type of friend. They won’t necessarily attempt to sleep with your mate; then again maybe they will. But they will be more than likely to disapprove of your current or potential mate before any of your other friends would. Why? Because the person that you’re dating is taking their time away from being in your presence. That usually sparks jealousy, which in return sparks bad advice. Taking advice from them is like a dog taking advice from a cat in reference to being a dog. They’re always going to side with you, even if you’re wrong, which can be detrimental for any relationship.
2. The Jealous friend – Let’s not act like these type of friends don’t exist. The jealous friend is the one that displays jealousy towards you in a subliminal or direct manner. They make slick or snide comments behind your back or to others about you. Sometimes they even state them directly to you. Deep down inside, your jealous friend does not like you. On the outside they wish you success and happiness, but on the inside they wish you’ll break a leg; literally. I know A LOT of people with friends like this, but they won’t wake up and smell the coffee. I don’t believe that the jealous friend should even be considered a friend, but most people have at least one in their circle. It’s bad to get relationship advice from the jealous friend, because as I previously stated, they really don’t want to see you happy. Your current or potential mate can be the best fit for you out of everyone in the world, but your jealous friend will still find something wrong with them. This is the friend that usually makes snide remarks during weddings or after receiving news about engagements. THIS…IS…THE…FRIEND…that’s more than likely to sleep with your mate. Avoid receiving advice from them.
3. The Miserable friend – A while back I was featured as a guest blogger on a relationship blog and I did a post titled “Ms. Miserable.” The Ms. Miserable post was about the one female that’s miserable and doesn’t want her friends to be happy in their relationship. Well, Ms. Miserable could also be Mr. Miserable. Misery has no gender, especially in the relationship world. The miserable friend is usually always single and somehow has a problem with every person that they attempt to date. These are the people who always holler “N*****/b***** ain’t sh**” and things of that nature. The only time they’re happy is when there friend is going through some relationship drama that they can speak on. Why should you avoid advice from the miserable friend? That’s a common sense answer. The miserable friend is never going to give you sound advice unless its sound in negativity. I had a friend like this before. Their advice is usually filled with assumptions and baggage from their past dating encounters. The miserable friend will also probably attempt to sleep with your mate if given the opportunity as well. Why? Because they want you to be miserable along with them. You know the saying, “Misery loves company!”

 

I hope you enjoyed the blog. I will be back for more in the future. Feel free to leave your feedback, subscription, ask questions, or share opinions.

www.thelfactorbook.com

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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Being down on yourself after getting dumped for someone else

So many people do this. Now, if you’re the cause of getting dumped for someone else because of infidelity, lying, abuse, or anything of that nature, then being down on yourself and feeling a little guilt is understandable. But if that weren’t the case and  you were dumped by your mate for someone else, don’t get down on yourself. Let me explain why I think you shouldn’t.

“Your new mate is NOT better than me, they’re just a better fit for you than me.”

I was conversing with someone the other day and they were telling me that in this current society, most breakups are amicable because this is a fast paced instant gratification world that we currently live in, so both mates are usually more than happy to move on to the next. While there may be some truth to that statement, I disagreed. There’s always someone between former mates that tend to take the breakup harder than the other. Whether they’re feeling a little scorned or heartbroken, one of them usually takes it harder.

In this blog, I am going to explain my reasoning behind the quote that I wrote above. That quote holds more power than it may seem and it will assist some people who are going through the issue of being dumped for someone else. The quote came to me first thing this morning, after I woke up. I don’t know if the quote belongs to someone else, but its a good one, so I decided to write about it. No I haven’t recently been dumped for someone else, but there is someone who may come across this blog that has.

 

Being down on yourself after getting dumped for someone else

Let’s be realistic, when you get dumped it initially attacks two things; your ego and pride. When your ego and pride are attacked as a result of being dumped for someone else, it also attacks your mind and trust. All kinds of things began to go through your mind. “Were they dating while we were still in a relationship?” “What can they provide that I don’t?” “They must be better than me, because I got dumped for them.” While the first thought may be true, you shouldn’t really look too deep into the other thoughts.

The best way to view getting dumped for someone else is to realize that your ex’s new mate is not a better person than you, but they may be a better fit for your ex than you were. That’s nothing to get down on yourself about and if you view the situation from a logical standpoint, you will understand why. If your mate leaves you for someone else, they’re actually doing the both of you a huge favor. It saves you the hassle of being with someone who doesn’t truly desire to be with you. Too many people view their ex’s new mate as being better than them, as a whole. That’s false! I would like those people to know they’re not better than you, they may just be better at providing specific things for your ex at that current time. Maybe you’re a homebody, but your ex wanted someone that’s into nightlife and partying. Maybe your affectionate, but your ex wanted someone who’s more standoff-ish. Maybe you’re goofy, but your ex wanted someone that’s more serious. Whatever it may be, its honestly nothing to get down on yourself about. It doesn’t mean that you’re less valuable as a person than your ex’s new mate.

Unless you’re a complete lame with no ambition or desire to accomplish anything in life, there are people out there that have similar interest as you and would be a better match with you than your ex was. There’s even someone out there for the people who lack ambition and desire. Often times, people become discouraged when finding or choosing a new mate. They tend to look at the statement “There’s someone out there for everyone,” as a quote for a charity case and not someone who has the ability to attract numerous potential mates, but that’s also false. The statement is not for charity cases; its for everyone. The statement isn’t “There’s someone out there for charity cases!” Some people believe their ex was the best match for them and no one else in their city, state, country, or this world can match with them better than their ex did. That’s false! You will find someone that’s a better fit for you than your ex was once you embrace them. There’s only one way to embrace a potential mate:

Get over your old one. To get over being dumped by your ex-mate, you have to believe in the quote that was used at the beginning of this blog post. “Your new mate is NOT better than me, they’re just a better fit for you than me.” Do not smash out car windows, put your ex and their personal business on blast over the internet, put sugar in the gas tank, and all of the other crazy things that people do. The best way to get through this painful process is to cope with it by working on yourself.  Work towards becoming a better person, which in return will help you heal and also come to the realization that your ex’s new mate is not better than you, but a better fit. The key is to be able to view getting dumped from a logical standpoint and not an emotional one. The only way that you can get a clear logical understanding, is to remove emotions from your thought. Don’t compare yourself to your ex’s new mate, just remind yourself of all the positive things that you have accomplished in life and currently have going for yourself. Remember, just because the new mate may be a better fit for your ex, it doesn’t mean you got the raw end of the deal.

Some people may view this post as common knowledge, but some of my readers may not be aware that kids do view my blog. Although this may be common knowledge for most, it’s not common knowledge for all. This post is for males and females. Often times as males, we pretend like getting dumped by a female doesn’t affect us. But for majority of males, there’s always that one female that brings you more pain when a toothache when she dumps you. It’s usually the one that you feel you invested in the most. But all in all, male or female, if you can get to the point where you view getting dumped for someone else from a logical standpoint instead of an emotional one, you’ll be able to move on completely minus the bitter feeling or heartache.

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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F’n is the New Dating

When I was growing up, the purpose of dating was to progress into a relationship. When we heard “So and so are dating,”  we looked at it as if they were a couple or at least progressing towards being one. Flash forward to now and the word “dating” has totally different meanings. It seems like things have done a complete 180 since then. The unfortunate thing about it is I was a teen not too long ago. In this current society, dating has different meanings. Some people believe that dating is when a guy and woman go out to have a good time and get to know each other better, some believe that its going from person to person to see who’s the best candidate, and more often than not I hear it being used to conceal ”sex only” relations, similar to the word “friend.” As you can see, in 2011 there is no universal definition of dating. But from what I’ve been observing and hearing personally, sex is the new definition of dating. I’m assuming that the words “friend” and “dating” sound better than jump off, skeet partner, or booty call.

Now let’s get some things straight. I don’t have an issue with people having sex partners without a relationship. People can do what they want to do. If that’s their initial intent, then so be it. What I do have problem with is the constant complaining and bickering of how the marriage numbers are down, of how men and women of the opposite race aren’t sh**, why so many women are single, and why exclusive relationships never develop. The majority answer to those complaints refer back to what I believe is the current definition of dating.

Before anyone mistakes this post for something that it’s not, let me clear some things up. This blog is not for women that are comfortable with having “sex only” relations, or don’t have time to date or be in a relationship. This blog is also not for men that are in their player stage, or don’t have time to date or be in a relationship. This blog is for the people who do have time and are interested in progressing into a relationship. Please read the whole blog before you leave a comment.

 

F’n is the New Dating

For Men

When I converse with people on this topic, particularly women, I get thrown for a loop. So many women these days settle for “sex only” that us men have gotten to the point that we expect it and nothing more. It’s so easy for us men these days. Am I complaining? No! But like I said, it goes back to those complaints by others that are listed above. Although some may beg to differ, there are cons for a man in reference to this topic. As stated, we grow so accustomed to “sex only” situations, that we don’t know how to react when a woman expects sex, plus more. I know some guys that actually get offended when a woman expects more than sex. The results of being offended is cutting off communication. As men we all know the pros of having a “sex only” relations with women. Some of the pros are no pressure, no commitment, and no invested time. But what happens when you meet that woman who you’re really feeling, but she expects sex plus more? Are you gonna be willing to end all of your sex only situations with other women and practice monogamy, or are you gonna let her go? I think those are good questions to ask yourself.

As For Women

I often hear women state that men don’t want to be in a relationship. This is a huge lie. A lot of men want to be in a relationship, but only with a woman they desire. The reasons why a lot of men are not in relationships are either because they’re not ready for one, don’t have time for one, or they haven’t found a woman that they desire.  The point is most men will sleep with a woman that they don’t desire to be in a relationship with, and this in return throws some women off.

When you’re a woman and you’re definition of dating is sleeping around with different guys, you’re possibly sleeping with men who don’t desire you. Is it a 100% fact? No! But its likely. I know some women may believe that its only sex, but is it really?  To men, sex is nothing. It’s all physical and rarely emotional. Since sex is nothing to us, we are capable of having sex with women, even if we don’t desire them and won’t think nothing of it. This is also the reason why a lot of men are careless with their tool.

Now women can flip the script and state that they can have sex with men that they don’t desire to be in a relationship with and think nothing of it. I partially agree with that belief. I believe that women can and do have sex with men that they don’t desire, but I don’t believe that they will think nothing of it, unless that’s their profession. Even if she has current slutty ways, eventually, at some time in her life, that woman will regret having sex with men that they felt weren’t worthy of it. It will affect her in some type of way emotionally. Whether it makes her more reserved and timid or more sexually free and aggressive. Eventually, It will affect her.

Lets be honest. How many women settle for “sex only” relations with men that they desire and want to be in an exclusive relationship with? A lot! I know a lot of them personally. Sometimes they may lie to themselves and others in order to fulfill a physical desire, all while putting their emotional desires for an exclusive relationship on the back-burner. So if you’re one of those women, my interpretation of  ”dating” may not be a good thing for you to take part in.

My personal opinion on what I would like to see in terms of dating

As far dating goes. I would like to see people court each other again. By courting, I mean actually taking out time to get to know each other, spend decent amounts of time with each other, and build towards something meaningful. I think it will erase a lot of the bickering and complaining about the current dating world. I honestly feel that some people are wasting their time by participating in the new form of dating. Men are getting used for their time and money by women that don’t desire to build towards something meaningful with them and women are getting used for their sex and time by men that don’t desire to build with them. Somebody once told me “Well that’s dating and those are the risks that come along with it.” If that’s what dating is, I can see why so many people are throwing in the towel on the current dating world.

I always get into debates with people on the topic of dating as many people as possible at one time. Here’s my issue with that. Some people believe that they can build towards something meaningful with numerous people at the same time and then choose the best candidate. I believe this to be false and I don’t believe that the success rate of that style of dating is high. It may be, but I highly doubt it. Think of the word building. Some of the actions with that take place with building are concentrating and focusing. Another important action is putting pieces in place to whatever you’re trying to build. In my personal opinion, you and your building partner can’t put pieces to whatever you’re trying to build if you’re giving some of those pieces to other people and they’re taking them away. Think about it! That’s my reasoning.

I decided to write this blog because a lot of people are frustrated with the current dating world. It doesn’t mean that they don’t have their stuff together or they don’t want to work towards a meaningful relationship. Maybe they’re just fed up with what the dating world has become. I hear the bickering and complaining often, from teens to middle-aged adults. It seems to be a lot of people walking around and stating that they’re happy with being single, but there are also a lot of miserable and angry people walking around, because they desire to be in a relationship, but the current dating world is so screwed that they’ve become discouraged. I know where I stand, do you?

 

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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What’s On Your Grocery List?

I know some people are reading the title thinking “What is he talking about?” The title above comes from a thought that I had in reference to comparing grocery shopping to dating. While most people will understand what I’m referring to, some will not. I decided to break it down my thought in this blog post.

 

What’s on your grocery list?

People that are health conscious will understand where I’m heading here. It’s amazing that a lot of the foods that taste good and provide you with instant gratification, are actually bad for your health. Meanwhile, the foods that are good for your health are sometimes not as instantly gratifying to your taste buds as the unhealthy foods. Doctors inform you to make healthy and smart choices in reference to the foods you eat. Many people choose to listen to their doctor and take their advice, but some do not. Those that don’t take their doctor’s advice on eating healthier foods often pay the consequences with their health. They increase the risk of getting diseases like high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, and many other health problems. While some health complications are not caused by poor diet, majority of them are. What’s on your grocery list when looking for a potential mate? Things that only satisfy and benefit you in the present or things that are beneficial in the long haul?

In dating, a lot of the things that provide you with instant gratification are bad for you. As I stated in my previous blog post, people tend to be fond of “sex only” relations in this current society.  While very few “sex only” relations will continue deep into the future, majority are only temporary fixes to fulfill present sexual desires and needs. However, this also has a backfire effect in the future, similar to poor diet.

People tend to choose potential mates based on instant satisfaction rather than a mate that’s beneficial in the present and future.  They are dating others that are similar potato chips, frozen pizza, and everything else from the processed food isles; potentially bad for the long haul. The thing about processed foods is they are commercially prepared for easy consumption. The same thing applies to dating. Some people are just processed (prepared) to get and receive instant gratification from others. They have no interest in building towards anything or establishing a relationship. These people are only focused on instant gratification in the form of sex, material gains, or an ego boost. Their only focus is satisfying themselves or you in the present, without a future with you being anywhere in their thoughts. This may lead to future complications, similar to processed foods. If you consume or indulge in relations with too many of these people, potentially you’ll end up damaged in the future, similar to those who consume large amounts of processed foods.

Similar to grocery shopping, we tend to overlook the more healthy choices in reference to dating. An example of a healthy choice in dating is getting involved with people who are beneficial to you in the present as well as the future. These are the people who take interest in you and also people who are looking to build towards something with you. While being involved with these types of people may not be as instantly gratifying as the situation mentioned in the previous paragraph, at least you’re involved in a situation that may potentially benefit you in the present and future. Similar to fresh fruits and veggies, they help make you a better person, overall. The healthy dating choices also provide balance similar to a balanced diet, because the opportunity is there to potentially get everything that you desire in the present and future.

Now maybe you’re at the point in your life where you only want to indulged in instantly gratifying activity. Nothing is wrong with that if that’s where you currently are in your life. Most people have been or will be the person that’s similar to processed food, someone that’s looking for short-term and instant satisfaction without keeping the future in minds. But more often than not, too many of these processed relations will come back to affect you in a negative way, similar to consuming too many processed foods.

I used the word “Potential” often in the blog because everything depends on circumstances and understanding. Some people have eaten nothing but processed foods all of their life and they’re currently disease free. While others are not as fortunate. The same goes for people who have followed a healthy balanced diet. But potential is everything and you should rather have a positive potential than a negative one. As mentioned above, one situation has potential to harm your future with dating and the other has potential to be very beneficial in the future.

You decide, at this moment in your life what’s on your grocery list? It may be the reason for things currently going good or bad in your dating life.

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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The Spare Rule

What’s up? This is like my 60th blog post on WordPress. That’s a lot of blogs right there, but I did start this blog back in 2008, I believe. If you revisit some of the older post from when I first started blogging, you will see that my mind and writing were in a different place. Its funny when I go back and read some of the things that I wrote. In these past three years I have learned a lot. What’s life without maturing and growth?

I decided to write a post about something that I consider to be valuable. Its something that I was taught in my late teens and I have carried it with me ever since. Back when I was in college I had a job at Krispy Kreme. I remember one day a frequent customer who was normally quiet came in and he was in the mood to talk. He was an older guy, but I took out time to listen because even at a young age, I knew older people share their wisdom. What I took from the conversation that I had with him was “The spare rule.” What is the spare rule? I’ll share it.

The Spare Rule

To be clear, the older gentleman that I was conversing with didn’t come up with the term “The spare rule,” I did. The spare rule relates to sex. The spare rule is basically not having sex with people who you can’t view as being your kid’s mother or father. When the older guy first told me about it, I thought to myself “This man doesn’t know what he’s talking about, you have to try to have as much fun as possible when you’re young and knock off as many as you can.” I was young and only 18 years old. That was my thought process at that moment, but its funny how time changes opinions. The older I got, the more his words stood out to me. In the last ten years I have met a lot of people who regret having sex with their kid’s mother or father for different reasons.

When the older guy shared the spare rule with me, he did it with the intention of letting me know that I shouldn’t have sex with just any woman, unless I wanted any woman to be the mother of my child. Today, I must admit that I truly understand his way of thinking. By writing this blog, I am not dissing anyone that has kid’s with someone who they couldn’t see themselves conceiving a child with. This blog post is not intended to talk down on anyone. Instead, I decided to share this to inform some people.

My reason for writing this post may go over some people’s head, but I’ll explain why I decided to share this with you. When it comes to sex, there are risks. Even with some form of contraception, a child can be conceived or an STD can be transmitted. However, this post for the most part is not geared towards pregnancy or STD’s surprisingly, because most people will read this and say they’ll just take birth control and wear a condom in order to spare them from sharing a child with someone who they couldn’t see as a  long-term mate or parent. This post has more to do with value, and I’ll explain.

When you think about someone who you would to conceive a child with mutually and intentionally, it’s usually someone who you wouldn’t mind marrying or at least having some sort of long-term relationship with. Most people think that way, unless the only characteristics that they look for in a mate is pretty hair, nice features, a certain skin complexion, or height so that their child can have the same. If you are one of the people who think that way, this blog post is not for you. You shouldn’t even continue to read it because you probably wouldn’t get anything positive out of it. But for the most part, people want to share a child with someone of value. The word value has a different meaning to different people. For some people, a valuable person might be someone who has a career that pays six figures or above, nice home, and nice vehicles. For others, value may have less to do with financial status and more to do with character and how good that person makes them feel. There is no right or wrong with value, because everyone has different forms of value. What may be important to the next person, may not be important to me.

Lets be honest, people have sex with others when there is no value present. This has potential to become a problem for two reasons. One is because you risk the possibility of conceiving a child with someone who you don’t value or someone who doesn’t value you. And the other reason is because you’re sending a message to yourself that you don’t mind having sex with someone who you don’t value or that doesn’t value you, as long as the sex is gratifying and you’re satisfied. In other words, you value sex more than you value yourself. This relates a little to my last post “What’s on your grocery list?”

The purpose of the spare rule is not to stop you from conceiving a child. It’s not a contraception. It does not prevent STD. The spare rule simply spares you of potential baggage. Baggage from what? Baggage of potentially conceiving a child with someone who you can’t see yourself raising a child with, and baggage of having sex with people who you don’t value or don’t value you. Some people can counter what I have stated and say that it you can still have baggage from conceiving a child with someone who you do value. For those that think like that ask yourself, would you rather conceive a child with someone who you valued or valued you at one point in your life, or conceive one with someone who you never valued at all or never valued you?

I know some men will use the “Well I’m a man that’s having fun, weighing my options” excuse while reading this. Guys are good at this, but you also hear a lot of complaints from guys when they end up conceiving a child with a woman that they don’t value or desire, or vice versa. The same thing goes for women that think the same way. The spare rule is not for one gender, it’s for both.

Am I stating that you shouldn’t have sex at all? No! Ask yourself, what type of men or women do you view as valuable? Those are your options. Am I saying that stating that you’re less of a person because you have sex with people who you don’t view as valuable? No! You may be risking a lot, but I wouldn’t consider you less of a person. Everyone has needs, but just make sure your needs don’t turn into a long-term issue. As stated the spare rule has more to do with value than pregnancy.

The last words the older guy said to me were “If you value yourself, your future, and your freedom, you will listen to me.” So I decided to share this with you. I hope someone benefits from it.

 

Darnell R. Mckinnon

 

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Accountability

What up. Over the weekend I was conversing with someone who was telling me that I should consider being a relationship expert. While I take that as a compliment, I don’t want to be a relationship expert. I’m a writer that so happened to write one relationship book and now some people believe I consider myself a relationship expert. Those are clearly the people who didn’t read my book, because the book wasn’t written from an expert’s point of view. At this point in my life I’m not interested in becoming a relationship expert. Maybe once I grow more in terms of relationship and actually master a successful long-term relationship, I will pursue that, but for now it doesn’t hold my interest.

I decided to hit the blog again. I had a couple of topics in mind, but I decided to choose one that isn’t talked about much. When I’m on the net or out in public, I always hear men and women complaining about the opposite sex. The amazing thing is you barely see people take accountability for any negative thing that has happened between them and the opposite sex. With that said, I decided to write about it. This blog post has nothing to do with the picture above, but it got your attention didn’t it?

Accountability

When I was younger in late teens and early 20′s, I would never take accountability for the mishaps in any of my past relationships. I always blamed my ex girlfriends for our relationship failure.  It was the thing to do. Every time I met a new girl and she asked me why I was single, my response would always be the same “Because my ex girlfriend played too many games.” I look back and laugh at it now, because it got me so many passes with women back then. I’m assuming that it was part of growing up. As I got older, I realized that even if an ex girlfriend of mine was the reason for our breakup, I still placed the blame on my shoulders. Why? Because I allowed certain things in those relationships to take place. Usually things that cause breakups are repetitive, so if you allow things to go uncorrected, then usually continues. Some things such as cheating and physical abuse are sometimes not. Some people actually leave the first time either one of those things happen.

Now when people ask me why am I single, I give them a reason, but I don’t direct it towards my ex and I won’t. Because the truth is my ex girlfriends have nothing to do with me not being in a relationship. We’re not together, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not millions of other women out there that I can choose from. There was something great in every woman who I’ve ever dated, and at that time I saw it. Now on the other hand if they blame me for the failure of our relationship, I can care less. I’ll take that blame, because nine times out of ten, I probably was the reason. No lie, I had some great girlfriends, minus a few.

In reference to your ex, always maintain a positive attitude. Take accountability for things going bad between the two of you, because even if bad things happened between you two, you still played a part in things going sour. Even if you were the victim, you allowed it, and that is as much of a crime as committing the crime is. These days, you hardly ever see anyone being held accountable for past relationship failures. Too many times people give victims a pat on the back, but sometimes that need a little scolding. But I guess the burden of being the victim is far easier to cope with than being the culprit. But taking accountability still shouldn’t be avoided. It’s too much of feeling sorry for people going on, which is why they continue to leave Facebook and Twitter status updates on the internet dissing their ex. They want you to feel sorry for them and diss their ex along with them, but instead some of them also need to be held accountable.

Reality is, accountability is the only way to move forward. Placing blame on your ex only keeps the baggage of those experiences traveling with you. I was once told that dissing your ex makes you look worst than your ex. To hold yourself accountable is to lack pride. Being a victim only gets in the way of you completely moving on.

Are we too prideful that we refuse to admit that we chose the wrong person in the past for a mate? Are we too prideful to admit that we played a part in the failure of our past relationships? That’s what it seems like. Too many victims and not enough culprits.

 

Darnell R. Mckinnon

 

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What are you in it for?

I haven’t blogged in a few weeks because I have been working on some other stuff. I decided to come back and share something with you. I was gonna post a blog last week, but I didn’t feel like blogging about the topic that I had. It was very redundant, and if I think that, then it’s not a good idea to write about it. Anyone that is familiar with me is aware that I like to converse with older people and suck as much wisdom out of them as possible. I wouldn’t call it a hobby, but it’s definitely something that I look forward to if I’m in their presence. I decided to write a blog based on the conversation that I had with an older woman about a week ago.

This blog was going to be about “thirst” and how it ruins great opportunities for people. I decided to not write about it after I saw something about thirst being a trending topic on twitter. This is my blog, so I could have written about it if I wanted to, but if a topic is trending I really don’t want to drive it into the ground. I think it’s pretty much common sense reference to thirst. It’s nothing good about it.

What are you in it for?

When I was conversing with the older lady a week or so ago; it was on this topic. She stated that her son was having marital issues and he had only been married to his wife for 2 years. She stated that she asked him the same question that is listed as the titled of this blog, “What is he in it for?” Her son couldn’t answer the question. I thought to myself about my past relationships and I thought the same. The question is so simple, but when you really think about it, it holds the answers to a lot of relationship problems.

In business, there are partnerships that take place. One of the reasons why deals take place in business is growth. Sure some business owners get into partnerships with other owners for security, support, and other reasons, but growth is usually the main reason. In order to succeed in business, your company has to grow. Not necessarily in size or number of employees, because there are many entrepreneurs that work on their own. However, eventually they will also need to expand in staff if their company continues to succeed. A business has to grow in terms of income and the amount of money that your company makes in order to succeed. Of course if you’re growing in terms of capital and actual business production the size of your company and number of employees will probably need to expand. Well, the same goes for relationships.

I usually write about pre-relationship topics like dating, self-improvement and other things of that nature. Tonight I decided to take things a step further and write about actual relationships. I personally believe that the only way a relationship can be successful is if it’s treated like a business partnership. This is my belief, it doesn’t necessarily have to be yours or anyone else’s. I’m going to explain my reasoning for my belief in this blog.

When I state that relationships should be treated like a business partnership, I am not speaking in terms of money. Money may be the reason why many relationships don’t work out, but I’m not referring to it. In business, most successful companies have a business plan. They know what they want and how they’re going to go about achieving it. The plan is what keeps them on pace for success. It’s similar to short-term and long-term goals. People tell you to come up with short-term goals because they are part of the process for accomplishing long-term goals. If you’re trying to lose 20 lbs, you set out to lose one or two first. The same thing happens with companies and their business plans, and the same should be done for relationships. In relationships, we tend to know what we want (sometimes) but a lot of times we have no clue of how we are going to go about achieving what we want. The steps of knowing how to get to where the two of you want to be are the most vital.

Before a partnership takes place in business, both sides usually discuss what their plans are for the partnership. I believe If relationships are treated this way, they will have more success than one that’s not. A relationship’s success is determined before it even starts. Imagine two companies becoming partners without discussing plans or goals. I’m quite sure that partnership will not last long nor reach success. Sometimes we make a mistake and get into a relationship based on pure emotion, without logic being anywhere in sight. Talking about plans and goals for the relationship may seem corny to some, but it’s actually the logical thing to do. Simply saying “This relationship is going to be a success because we love each other” is not good enough.

While discussing your plans and goals for your partnership, be sure to mention your reasoning for wanting to pursue a relationship with your mate. The key is to make sure that both sides see eye to eye and have similar goals. The ultimate goal should be identical as your mates or at least close to it. If not, the two of you may want to reconsider. Finding someone who has the same goals as you for a relationship is another topic for another blog. Its something that I believe happens naturally and when it’s least expected. So of course if you’re thirsty for a relationship and rush it, chances are you’ll sabotage what I just stated. Be easy, plan, and when the time comes ask your mate and yourself what are you in it for?

I decided to write this because I don’t touch on actual relationship communication too much on my blog.  I hope you enjoyed.

Darnell R. Mckinnon

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